The Fighting Irish

What class do you want to take?

Anything that doesn't have the words "strip," "salsa,"

Or "beatz" with a "Z" in the name of it.

Cardio Hip-Hop Groove it is, then.

- Hey, what's up? - Hey. Nothing.

Just going into the same class you're going into.

Cool.

That's the Flower Guy.

- I hope I don't sweat on you. - You can sweat on me.

This is my girlfriend, Liz Lemler.

- That's Liz Lemon. - Oh, the girl who got my flowers.

- Hope you enjoyed them. - I did.

I finally threw them out this morning 'cause they got that really bad flower smell.

I kind of couldn't stop smelling them.

Advanced Hip-Hop, you ready? Here we go.

Here we go. Take it 5, 6, 7, 8.

And 1...

Turn it! Don't give up, Ponytail.

You got this. Slide!

Lemon, come here. You've got to see this.

It's a video of a baby panda sneezing.

You sit here. And don't watch the mother, just watch the baby.

- That is the cutest thing I've ever seen! - Isn't that adorable?

You have to fire 10% of your staff.

What?

We have to synergize backward overflow.

I don't write the policy, Lemon. I only enforce it.

- But I've never fired anybody in my life. - It's an acquired skill.

I'm not trying to make your life miserable, but this is coming from the top.

Now, there are 140 people on this show.

So go out there and make 126 people very happy.

I don't think I can do that. Everyone that works at this show is indispensable.

- Marco? - Polo!

- Marco? - Polo!

Josh, you suck at this game.

Josh and Jenna to the stage, please.

10%? I can't fire any of these people.

Who cares? Getting fired is better than getting killed by my wife,

Those big farm-people hands crushing my windpipe.

- Everything OK at home, buddy? - Remember that little secret I told you

About Hornberger family planning?

And she's starting to ask questions.

- Oh, boy. Do you need a key to my apartment? - Just for my own safety.

Hey, Liz Lemon, you know where I could find a good church?

How good? Like Judaism good or just Unitarian?

My attorney told me I should join a church pre-emptively...

'Cause juries are suspicious of celebrities who find religion after getting into trouble.

Why don't you try the Church of Practicology?

- They love movie stars. - They turned me down.

I'm still not sure what happened.

I believe the moon doesn't exist.

I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers,

But their curse is that they'll never get to prove it.

I believe there are 31 letters in the white alphabet.

What... What was the question again?

So, what's your religion, Liz Lemon?

I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.

- Can I help you? - Yes, sweetheart.

- I'm looking for Jack Donahy. - And you are?

Eddie Donahy, Jack's brother.

Jack never mentioned a brother, and his name is "Dona-gee,"

Not "Dona-hee."

You know, you could be pretty if you didn't scowl so much.

Tracy, this is Jack's brother Eddie.

Look who I found.

Eddie Donaghy...

As I live and breathe.

- I'm gonna destroy you! - You're not the boss of me, Jack Donahy!

It's Donaghy, not Donahy!

- You ruined my suit. - Shut up, you baby!

Stop! Someone's gonna get hurt!

Look, this is about Dad.

What'd you two dirtbags do now? Fix the Cotton Bowl?

Dad's dead.

It's over, OK?

This watch was Dad's.

He wanted you to have it.

- Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm OK.

I haven't seen my dad in 17 years.

I haven't seen Eddie since I bailed him out of Disney jail.

And now this watch.

- I'm sorry. - Don't be.

My dad and Eddie are a blotch on the Donahy name...

Donaghy name.

That's how it's pronounced. Say it!

- Donaghy. - Right.

I really appreciate you bringing me to your church, Ken.

Hola, Julio.

I'm glad to help you on your spiritual quest, Mr Jordan.

What kind of Presbyterian is this?

No, we're the Eighth Day Resurrected Covenant of the Holy Trinity.

We haven't been Presbyterian for months.

And y'all always meet on Wednesday nights?

Yeah, we lose half the congregation every time "American Idol" starts up.

Reverend Gary's starting.

God sees the wicked one.

Eternal damnation is upon the sinner.

The stench of rotten flesh fills the air.

Judgment is upon us all!

How will you be seen in His eyes?

What? He pointed right at me!

He sure did!

No!

The fires of the pit crackle and pop!

- Hi, I got you coffee. - Thanks.

Oh, I forgot your muffin... Banana walnut, your favourite.

That's not correct, but OK.

- Good morning, Liz! - What's all this?

Sketches, promos, web content... Thoughts for next season.

Nice hat. You haven't heard anything about layoffs, have you?

What? No.

And even if I had, I'm just being normal.

Gosh.

Hey, Liz. You want to hang out tonight?

'Cause you're totally my role model.

You make smart sexy.

There's my beautiful boss. Good morning.

Good morning, Henry.

Ah, there you go.

The YMCA, huh?

Congratulations. You found me out.

So, your life's a mess, you go out and buy a new suit, pretend everything's OK?

- What happened, Eddie? - What do you care? I'm happy here.

Gordon, so help me...

Look, I went broke taking care of Dad... End of story.

- Then let me give you some money. - No.

Seeing Dad at the end, it... It changed me, Jack.

I got a real job now. I talk homeless people into joining the Army.

- Isn't there anything that you want? - One thing.

I'd like my brother back.

Look, I know I've been nothing but trouble to you your entire life...

Juvie, Jonestown, that time I punched Goofy.

Hell, I even blinded you with a bottle rocket.

Ah, it was for a couple of lousy months. Big deal.

I had sex with your prom date.

- I stole your identity. - I threw you out of a window.

- I convinced you you had Lupus. - I microwaved your parakeet.

- I hated that bird! - We had some great times, didn't we?

You're on my good list, Kerry.

Hello.

Hey, sorry about that.

Not super-appropriate... In the workplace.

No, it's... It's only inappropriate when it's ugly people.

So, how long have you guys been together?

Oh, well, that's tricky. Kind of off and on the past year.

But then she got this job here,

And it's kind of tough to stay broken up with someone you have to see every day.

Where does she work, your Liz?

In accounting... On your show.

She works for you.

I know who I can fire!

You can't fire the other Liz unless she's in the bottom 10%.

Oh, you can just tell she is, by her stupid face.

You're a better person than this.

Jack has given me absolute power.

I am the decider!

Ok, you can't just do this.

I'm not gonna "just do" anything. I have a plan.

Step one... Befriend the enemy and gather information.

Then use the information to drive her into the bottom 10%.

Good Lord, your eyes...

You look like that lady astronaut who tried to kidnap that other woman.

That was a lady with a plan.

Diapers, mace, Houston to Orlando in nine hours... Blammo!

I know I'm the guy who lied to his wife about having a vasectomy, but this...

This is wrong.

No, it's not wrong.

I'm just staying the course. And I'm enjoying it!

Jack is out of my hair, people are being nice to me,

There's a guy I like in the building,

And I have the authority to fire his girlfriend?

For the first time ever, things are lining up for old Liz Lemon.

Stop it, Jack!

Mr Donaghy, your assistant's been looking for you.

Thank you very much, Kenneth.

Eddie and I have just been making up for some lost time.

You mind if I take a few grapes for dinner later?

- Why don't you just take the money? - No.

If you want to give money to someone, give it to the nurses who took care of Dad

At Chicago All Saints Hospital.

They never once said anything about the racist stuff towards the end.

All right, I'll have my assistant write a check.

Help yourself to some grapes.

So Dad missed seeing Meredith Viera. Now I'm pissed!

Not one of you kids is ever gonna amount to anything!

That's why your mom left. Yeah.

Maybe we should get all the Donaghy kids back together again.

- Oh, Jack, they don't want to see me. - Oh, come on.

We're Irish. We're a forgiving people.

I'm so glad you asked.

Kabbalah is a wonderful religion that mixes the fun pan of Judaism with magic.

- So, where do you worship? - Where don't you worship?

- My friend Madonna... - Hey, Jack's brother, what religion are you?

This one sounds really expensive and gay.

Oh, well, I'm Irish-Catholic.

Now, I know there's been a lot of controversy around the Church lately,

You know, because of "The Da Vinci Code."

But what's great is you can do anything... Anything.

And as long as you go to confession, it's forgiven.

I'm Irish-Catholic.

Well, well, Other Liz...

Played saxophone in the marching band at Rutgers?

Kept that a secret from your employer, didn't you?

Excuse me, Liz?

Jack said it would be OK if I put this here.

It's for the hospital that took care of my dad.

Oh, yeah. I'm so glad to see you and Jack getting along.

Absolutely. We'll give money, right?

You want us to give money? I'd be happy to. Heart of gold, L. L.

Is there a limit to how much we can give? I hope not.

Let's get our chequebooks!

I bet Pop's looking down right now and saying,

"If I could come back and do any broad,

It would be that one right there."

And so Pop says, "Well, what does it look like I'm doing right now'?"

So they ended up landing in Dallas for six hours, and it was on the news!

It was not on the news. You're such a liar.

Excuse me. Excuse me, everybody.

This is Kenneth. Kenneth, this is my family.

That's Patrick. This is Patricia.

This is Katherine Catherine and her husband, Bobby.

And this is Margaret.

- We just found out about her today. - Oh, welcome.

Kenneth's going to take you all downstairs to the studio.

I would like to make a toast to Pop.

Well, we've been toasting Pop for over an hour now.

Maybe we should pace ourselves.

Why don't you stop trying to control everything, Jack?

He was a wonderful father.

He was always ready with a joke or rum balls in his pockets for the kids.

Come here, you magnificent douche bag!

How the hell are you?

Have a drink.

Actually, I've been clean and sober for seven months.

Stop showing off and have a drink!

Sure.

So, I'm doing these quick performance reviews.

I'm gonna be doing them with everybody every six months or so.

- Are you settling in OK? - Yeah, everyones been great,

Learning where stuff is.

What would you say are your weaknesses?

Some people say I'm too nice.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Well, hopefully, I'll still be working for GE.

- It's a great company for working moms. - What?

You know, in five years. I mean, I'm in a relationship right now.

Then, I'll probably have a couple kids, be living in the suburbs, having it all, really.

You're fired!

I'm the decider!

God, I missed you guys.

It's too bad it took Dad dying to get us all together again.

He was always bringing people together.

- He was just like Lady Di. - He was.

This is Margaret.

Oh, boy, she's really got Mom's smile, doesn't she?

To Pop, the sorriest bastard that ever walked the Earth.

- Don't say that about my daddy! - Oh, Patricia, you're embarrassing yourself.

Yeah, well, you don't say that about my father!

Get your hand out of my face!

What do you say...

You had good posture... Who cares?

Why don't we all head downstairs right now,

Before this takes the traditional Donaghy turn for the worse?

Seriously, don't even start with me! Don't start with me!

Did you fire her?

You can't do that, Liz! I'm gonna tell human resources!

No, no, you're not. You're fired!

- Did you just fire Pete? - Yes.

I'm gonna put his name on a list and everything!

Can I help you?

Miss Lemon, the accounting department

Wishes to protest the firing of our colleague.

- Now, we have discussed it... - You're fired! You're all fired!

Clean out your desks! Fired!

The purpose of these cuts is to make us more efficient so we make more money.

And the people who tell me if I'm making more money are called accountants.

- And if I don't have any accountants... - No, Jack, you would be proud of me.

It's all part of a plan. It just got out of control.

A plan to do what?

Things were really lining up for old Liz Lemon.

And this Other Liz, this accountant girl,

Was just getting in the way of my... Happiness.

Your happiness?

Lemon, is this about a boy?

Good God in Heaven!

Who is he? What's his name?

Flower Guy.

Lemon, you've gone chicken killer on me over a guy whose name you don't know?

And you still think our next president should be a woman?

He just seems like a really cool guy.

And I think he likes me more than her.

That's... Very sad.

It really is, isn't it?

I'm gonna go talk to some food about this.

Oh, Liz, did you put your cheque in already?

Oh, no.

What do I make it out to? Chicago All Saints Hospital?

Eddie just said to write the initials on the check.

C-a-s-h.

Son of a bitch.

Eddie already took the other box.

Son?

Dad?

Your brother Eddie's dead. He wanted you to have his watch.

- You! - Me? You! What are you doing here?

What do you think? I'm pulling the Dead Man's Curve on Jack.

When we parted ways, we agreed that I would get Jack

And you would do the thing in Sacramento!

You are both a disgrace to the Donaghy name!

It's pronounced "Dona-fee," you lace-curtain half-an-Englishman!

When I think of all the things

That I've been holding inside me that I wanted to say to you!

Well, now I'm gonna let St. Patrick and St. Michael do my talking for me!

You'll have to get through Tip O'Neill and Bobby Sands first!

You call those fist names?

Say hello to Bono and Sandra Day O'Connor!

Those are the stupidest fist names I've ever heard.

Daddy's not dead!

Eddie, you lying sack of crap!

Jack Donaghy, you don't raise your fists to my dead father!

- Bobby, give me my keys. - Let's go!

What are you doing? You can't fight in front of my audience!

What, do you think you're better than me?

Lemon, are you OK?

I want you to punch your sister in the face.

It's on!

I call same sides as the Bicentennial Brawl.

I was impressed by how you take a punch, Lemon.

I played dead for the worst of it, but it didn't fool your family.

It sure didn't. The whole thing was strangely reassuring, though.

To know that they'll be there after I'm dead,

Fighting over my corpse before it's cryogenically frozen.

Where's Eddie now?

I gave him and my dad a three-day head start

Out of love and sportsmanship.

As always, it's been a pleasure fighting with you.

Indeed.

Oh, I had to rehire that Liz Lemler that you fired.

And I didn't want any more trouble with her, so I had to give her a promotion, too.

Fantastic.

It's an amazing opportunity for her out at corporate headquarters.

In Connecticut? She's transferred to Connecticut?

Yes, that's right.

It seems that things are lining up once again for old Liz Lemon.

- And you say? - Thank you, Jack.

You're welcome.

I hear your girlfriend got transferred. Sorry.

Yeah, I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Liz! You forgot to give me the key to your place.

And I need it. My wife knows about our little secret.

I don't know how she found out.

Oh, God. I should have just gotten a vasectomy!

Let me explain.

Hey, did you hear the good news, J. D.? I'm Irish-Catholic now,

- like you, Regis, and the Pope. - Oh, no, you're not.

The Church already has enough lawsuits.

See, I can screw up now and then just go to confession.

No longer do I have to throw my parties in international waters.

That's not how it works, Tracy.

Even though there is the whole confession thing, that's no free pass...

Because there is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic.

Whether things are good or bad or you're simply eating tacos in the park,

There is always the crushing guilt.

I don't think I want that. I'm out.

Somehow, I feel oddly guilty about that.

I don't want nothing crushing me.