Florida

- really, bev? Oh, thank you so much.

That is wonderful news.

- "wonderful news"?

The last time I said that

Was when my pet gnus

Learned the true meaning of christmas.

Classic tracy-- you'll miss this.

- anyway, that was one of the adoption agencies

We're working with,

And they may have a kid who's perfect for us.

He's a three-year-old boy from transylvania.

Stay with me. His name is dracul.

Hear me out.

He is a hemophiliac with a sleep disorder.

- children change everything.

Right now you can do what you want,

But once you have kids,

You have to be on their schedule,

Watch their cartoons,

And touch their poop.

- tracy, you still do whatever you want.

- that's right, I do.

But you don't.

So have fun while you can.

Be spontaneous. You know, stop being yourself.

- I'm spontaneous.

For instance, I started talking

Before I had an example of how I'm spontaneous.

[Farting sound]

[Farting sound]

Nice haul, mr. Ceo. Did you get my gift?

- I assume it was the bottle of wine

With the card, reading, "dear doritos,

"What about just selling bags full of your dust?

I could put it on chicken or fish."

- obviously, there was a mix-up.

I wrote you a very heartfelt note

That said, "congratulations on becoming ceo.

Do you know anyone at doritos?"

- well, I'm not ceo yet.

The board has to rubber-stamp me.

There'll be a party for me later this week.

Then I have to drive around with my headlights off

Until someone flashes me.

Then I have to-- well, it's not important.

In the meantime, I'm tying up some loose ends.

I'm heading down to florida this afternoon

To take care of my mother's estate.

Fittingly, she left everything to her live-in nurse, martha--

The house I paid for, the silver,

My grandfather's purple heart.

It's terrible what alcoholism can do to the body.

- she really didn't leave you anything?

That's not very nice. - I loved my mother, lemon...

Obviously, because of stockholm syndrome.

But she was, on her best day, a miserable old crone

Whose only joy came in sharing her unhappiness

With others, even in death.

- she is the only person in the world

To have sarcastic last words.

- "I just want you to be 'happy'."

Oh, mother, how I "miss" you.

Anyway, I thought you might like to come to florida with me.

I can get you a v. I. P. Pass

To universal's harry potter world.

- okay, I am not some kind of "nerdery" slut.

I like star wars.

- lemon, I'm not relishing this trip.

It would be nice to have someone with me.

Are you coming or not? - yes. I am.

How's that for spontaneous-- florida on a work day?

[Chuckles] to that store

That sells long-sleeve s. P. F. Shirts!

[Exciting jazz music]

♪

- hey, I need somebody to sign for this water.

- um, no, you need a nobody to sign for that water.

We're on tv.

- okay, then who's in charge?

- well, liz, but she's in florida.

- or pete, but he went to a line producers' convention

In albany.

I saw him pack a wig.

- tracy, does this mean we're in charge?

- where do you want the water?

[Cheerful music]

♪

[Knock at door]

- I'm sorry. Where is liz lemon?

- she's out of the office.

Is there anything we could help you with?

We've got about... Oh, ten minutes

Before we've got to go watch shopping.

- well, this does affect the two of you.

I'm martin lutherking from nbc's in-house counsel.

A former tgs employee has filed a harassment lawsuit

Against this production and both of you individually.

Complainant is seeking damages in the amount

Of $50 million.

[Click, dial tone]

- hold my calls, giant bee.

- I assume you know this woman.

- wassername! - what's her name?

- so these are the things your mother wanted you to have.

- oh.

The baby shoe she found after that fire.

God, she loved looting.

- colleen was such a lovely woman.

- thank you, martha, but you don't have to do that.

I mean, you knew colleen.

- and there's so much I miss--

Her kindness, her laugh.

- her laugh, of course.

- oh, she was the happiest person I ever met.

- sure.

Remind me of some of the happy things

My mother would do.

- oh, you know, tell jokes...

And the pranks!

Her nickname here was mrs. Silly.

- uh, tell me, martha,

How long did you work for my mother exactly?

- I'm sorry.

- what the hell was that?

She'll miss colleen's laughter?

That woman clearly didn't even know my mother.

This is a scam.

She took advantage of an old lady.

- I saw this on dateline.

Next, we'll be holding hands in adjacent bathtubs.

Or maybe that was a cialis commercial--it's all a blur.

- I'm calling the police.

- thank you for calling florida emergency services.

If this is regarding an anaconda in a crawl space,

Press 1.

If a sinkhole full of indian bones has appeared

In your living room, press 2.

If you want to know why jag wasn't on this week,

Press 3.

If your shabbos goy--

- why can't we just cut this state adrift

And let it crash into cuba?

- we'll just solve this ourselves, like that woman

On dateline who tried to solve her sister's murder,

Then disappeared.

But we won't go scuba-diving with the husband.

- lemon, when martha comes back,

I'll distract her while you sneak around

And go through her things.

- it's a caper! Who's spontaneous now, tracy?

- okay, start from the beginning.

- well, the plaintiff's deposition alleges that--

- no, further back.

What kind of dinosaur was your grandfather?

- um, the plaintiff alleges that there is

A widespread culture of depravity here at tgs--

Sexual harassment, intimidation, threats of violence.

Her deposition is very gross.

- I'm going to use this doll to show you

What tracy and jenna did to me.

[High-pitched voice] no, no, no!

[Normal voice] yes.

[Grunting]

[Singing indistinctly in falsetto]

[Grunting]

[Screaming]

- she's lying like a rug.

"Rug" is an offensive term for persians that I made up.

- we would never do that to a page--

Maybe that tall asian one.

- oh, yeah, miranda.

Her hair is so thick and black.

- please don't include me in this.

Look, legal views this as a frivolous lawsuit.

Hazel wassername, aka richard drench,

Has a long history of suing former employers.

So all we need is for everyone who works at tgs

To sign this affidavit

Saying that they have never witnessed

Or been party to any inappropriate behavior.

- I once played a lawyer in a movie,

So I know all about winning your son's love back

Thanks to a magic camera.

- yes, movies are terrible.

- well, don't worry. We'll get everyone to sign.

- we really don't want this to go to court

For a number of reasons.

You two could be personally liable for any damages.

Hank hooper hates any type of negative publicity like this.

And I didn't super-duper finish law school.

So... - ah.

- I'm sorry about that.

I just miss your mother so much.

She was an angel that fell from heaven.

- uh, yes.

[Whispering] so was lucifer.

- do you have a bathroom I could use?

- uh, down at the end of the hall.

- I may be in there a while because I have

A gluten thing that turns my business white.

Both: just go!

- so, martha, tell me some more funny colleen stories.

- colleen had two night tables?

Kama sutra?

Huh?

Who is "m"?

Gah!

Shmesbians! [Gasps]

- where are my manners? This is florida.

Let me boil up a pot of hot gatorade.

Is blue okay?

- ah.

- [whispering] jack, bedroom--

- lies. Martha's been telling me

Colleen loved children and animals.

The only animal colleen ever bought me was a myna bird

Who was later revealed to be colleen's personal spy.

I told that bird everything.

- no, jack, it's not a scam.

I think martha and colleen were... Together.

- have you lost your mind? - [normal voice] IT'S A THING.

Men die first, and these older women are alone

And turn to each other for companionship,

Like my aunt linda and her roommate, jean.

But they weren't lesbians.

Oh, my god, of course they were!

- lemon, listen to what you're saying.

Colleen donaghy was gay?

She stopped watching the bruins

Because derek sanderson's mustache made him look,

"Like he takes his sandwich with a pickle."

- they shared a bed, jack-- a sleep number bed,

Set to two drastically different firmness levels.

Only an insane person would do that

If they were sleeping alone.

Insane!

- martha tricked colleen into thinking

She was her friend,

And of course two friends can share a bed.

For example, abraham lincoln and his roommate,

Joshua fry speed, slept in the same bed together

Until joshua died from dancing too long at a party.

[Door opens]

- the gatorade's on.

While we're waiting, I dvr'd a documentary

About the woman who designed all of pat summitt's blazers.

- kenneth, we have a signed affidavit

Regarding this hazel situation

From everyone on the tgs crew except you.

- [sighs] - look, I get it.

I know how former lovers can have a hold over you

Long after they're gone.

In some ways, I'm still pinned

Under a passed-out harvey weinstein,

And it's thanksgiving.

- but the truth is, hazel is gone, ken jennings,

And to prove it, we hid a camera on a gigolo friend of ours

And asked him to seduce hazel.

- sloppy rodney-- do you know him?

He has syphilis.

- hey, baby, you want to get down?

- sloppy rodney?

[Laughs] it's me, richard drench.

- I remember that ass.

- [laughing]

- please stop.

Hazel isn't the reason I won't sign that affidavit.

The truth is, I have seen a lot of inappropriate things

Here at tgs,

And I don't want to lie about it.

- what's the big deal?

Lying is easy.

For example, there isn't a hole in my pocket

I keep touching my penis through.

See? Easy.

- not for me, sir.

I've lost a lot this past year.

I went from being a page to a janitor.

My girlfriend dumped me.

The only thing I have left is my integrity.

Now, you both know I would do anything for you.

But I want you to think long and hard

Before you ask me to sign that affidavit,

Because you'd be making me give up who I am.

- whatever. Sign it. - uh-huh. Sign it.

- I apologize.

We never had the need for a second bedroom around here.

This is usually where I store

My woodworking tools and the pottery I make.

- [gags]

[Clears throat loudly]

- what's the problem, lemon?

They're just lumpy flowers.

- now, I don't know who usually sleeps on which side,

So I put a strawberry calcium chew

On both night tables for you, liz.

- uh, we're coworkers, ms. Edwards.

- oh, we're not-- no, no, no.

- oh, I'm sorry. I just assumed--

- that's quite all right.

A lot of people are making wild assumptions today.

Our relationship is purely platonic,

If plato had an elderly, shut-in aunt.

- uh-huh, you know what plato did have?

A gay relationship with socrates.

- lemon, the only way you're like socrates

Is you have the body hair of a greek man.

- are you sure you aren't married?

'Cause this seems pretty married.

- siri, find me the nearest hotel.

- finding hookers. Is that right?

- oh, you don't want to go out.

The vietnam vets are starting to retire,

And they get antsy at night around all these palm trees.

- no, that's all right.

We can sleep together,

Because there's nothing weird about two friends sharing a bed,

Right, jack? - of course not.

- your pajamas have a turtleneck.

- they're from the l. L. Bean

Maritime professional collection.

So what way do you want

To totally normally sleep together?

Face-to-face, or butt-to-butt?

- uh, careful-- old mattress.

[Grunts, sighs]

It goes without saying, lemon,

That nothing will happen in this bed tonight,

And I am referring, of course, to your...

Digestive failings.

- I'd laugh, but I'm trying not to do

The thing that you just referred to.

[Both grunting and sighing]

Why didn't anything ever happen between us?

- good god, lemon.

If you're trying to conjure my mother's ghost,

You could just shake a jar of coins

While praising jimmy carter.

- no, I'm not saying I wanted something to happen.

But why didn't something happen?

We've spent a lot of time together.

We've been drunk together and day-drunk together

And on the rebound at the same time,

And also, you're kind of a slut.

- I did sleep with jenna a lot during season three.

- if I were a different person,

Would you have hit on me?

- I understand what you're getting at, lemon.

There was a particularly youth-oriented priest

In my childhood parish who went after everybody but me--

Even fat ralph, and he ate his boogers.

I felt so unpretty.

- no, this isn't about appearance, jack.

Did nothing ever happen between us

Because I'm not fun?

- good god, lemon.

Obviously, our relationship, however you define it--

Mentor/mentee--

- sister-ployee/work oracle--

- is more interesting than some dating scenario.

And obviously, to ruin what we have

With a tawdry, yet expert sexual encounter

Would've been a mistake.

- obviously, but is it the kind of mistake

That I should have made?

Tracy told me I haven't lived.

- you're allowing tracy to criticize

Your life choices-- tracy jordan?

- whoa.

[Sighs]

- now what?

- but he's right.

I haven't done anything impulsive ever.

I don't have any tattoos or broken bones.

I've never been high,

Except for that choir trip to montreal

Where I accidentally ate a pound of marijuana.

- also, maybe I was never attracted to you

Because you're the kind of person who finds a way

To talk about herself while lying in my dead mother's bed.

- wow. Okay.

Well, for the record, it's mutual.

I wasn't exactly chomping at the bit

To be with a middle-aged man with crippling mommy issues.

- first of all, it's "champing" at the bit.

Horses champ.

And second of all, I'm not going to fight in bed with a woman

I'm not even having sex with.

- why? Is it weird?

- of course it's weird.

Lincoln was super gay. - thank you.

- and I don't even want to think about my mother.

And I know those pots aren't flowers.

[Whispering] they're my mother's vagina.

- j-mo, I am like the following joke

About bjork's swan dress--

Tired.

- mm. - I've seen dresses

That look fly,

But never dresses that can fly.

- [sighs]

I couldn't sleep at all last night.

I've got this weird, sick feeling in my stomach.

- me too.

It's the same feeling I got in 1997

When that jury foreman looked at me and said,

"Guilty!"

And I had to close my water park.

I forgot to make an opening at the end of the slide.

- is that what this is-- guilt?

- I don't think so.

I mean, what have we done to feel guilty about?

- we don't care that we made kenneth lie, right?

- no! Come on! It's kenneth.

Although he has been acting a little different

Since yesterday.

- what? Did I miss a spot?

I don't care.

All I care about is which jazz club

I'm going to tonight.

- he's broken.

- oh.

[Door closes]

- good morning, jack.

You sleep okay?

Colleen's myna bird told me you spent the night in the car.

- oh, I slept fine.

- before you leave, I wanted you to have this.

That was taken at the wrap party

For our community center's production of grease.

Your mother was sandy.

Well, the fourth sandy.

The first three died falling off the car

During "summer lovin'."

- I don't know the last time I saw her so happy.

[Scoffs]

I'm glad she had you to, uh, take care of her.

[Cell phone rings]

Lemon?

- jack, you need to come to orlando and pick me up.

I'm in harry potter world jail.

- [breathing heavily]

Kenneth parcell isn't signing your precious affidavit.

- that is a christmas card from my estranged daughter.

- tell him, ken.

If you've ever experienced anything inappropriate at work,

Just tell the truth.

- well, sir...

- no, kenneth, you have something in your teeth.

I'm just trying to lick it off.

Let me do it. I'm your friend.

- want to see a porno my cousin is in?

[Dramatic classical music]

♪

- [laughing]

- to close a very important deal,

I'm going to need to loan you to david geffen

For the weekend.

- why do I even take birth control pills

If I'm always gonna be alone?

You might as well take them, kenneth.

You take them!

Take them!

- now, for days that weren't my birthday...

- get me philadelphia.

'Cause I wanted to sound cool, okay, tucker?

Fine, get me gary derekson.

- well, I did it.

I tried to live life, and it sucked.

I came here without studying the park map beforehand,

Which is how I ended up in a long line

That turned out to just be a crowd of people

Watching two owls have sex.

Then the park started to fill up,

But, oh, I'm being spontaneous, so I tried to cut the line

For the flight of the hippogriff,

Which is when duncan here caught me.

What is the point, jack?

I am who I am, and I'm never gonna change.

I'll die full of regrets,

Like that time I sat next to richard grieco

On an airplane and just let him read his hustlers

Without ever telling him I was a fan.

- lemon, you're wrong.

People can change.

Maybe tomorrow, maybe when you're 85,

You'll find a reason to do something

Totally out of character.

After all, that's what colleen did.

- not to make this about me,

But are you admitting that I was right

About your mother's late-in-life lez-out?

- I just can't believe it.

- I know, and a woman of color too--good for her.

- no, not that. I can't believe she was happy.

She was mrs. Silly.

- oh, sketch idea. - at the end,

When she said she just wanted me to be happy,

I thought she was being sarcastic,

Because when I was growing up, I thought people

Who wanted to be happy were weak--

Hippies, italians, kindergarten teachers.

What am I supposed to do with this?

I don't know how to be happy.

- what are you talking about?

That is enough of your black irish nonsense.

Of course you're happy.

- it's never been the goal, lemon.

The goal has always been money or prestige

Or, when playing hockey, the goal.

- jack, in an hour, you are flying to new york city

On a private jet to a party celebrating you

As kabletown's next ceo.

It's everything you've ever wanted.

And colleen is looking down on you right now,

And you're happier than you've ever been.

- of course I am.

[Telephone ringing]

- hello, beverly.

- it's just bev, liz.

My mother died while naming me.

Well, I do have an opportunity for an immediate placement.

- really? Wow. Okay.

- there is one issue.

It's two children-- a brother and a sister,

And we don't want to split them up.

- two? Boy, that wasn't our plan.

- I know. It's a lot to take on.

Why don't you discuss it

With that little action figure you're married to?

- no, no, we'll do it.

- are you sure? - yes, we'll take them.

We'll take both kids.

[Knock at door] - there you are, liz.

I'm on my way up to see jack,

But as long as I'm still ceo, I want to say two things.

One, did you get a little sun? You're glowing.

And two, because of the lawsuit and the p. R. Nightmare

And the den of sin you've built here,

I have to go ahead and cancel tgs.

Next friday is your last show.

- great news, liz.

Kenneth doesn't have different hair anymore.

- [giggles]

Liz? Liz?

- I showed up without a bra one day,

And I was viciously harassed until I put on a shirt.

I once saw kenneth parcell naked.

It was horrible.

His body is just a smooth beige tube

With a head.

Frank rossitano was always trying

To give me pornography

That I had given him in the first place.

I mean, what a re-gifter.

There were these two african-american giants

That were always pressuring me

To join their book club.

Can I please have a glass of water?

Thank you.