Chain Reaction of Mental Anguish

- hey, what was that sound?

It was opportunity knocking.

- no one knocked. You just barged in.

- knock knock. - you were right, donald.

It makes more sense for you to enter first.

- it's okay, daddy. We'll just start over.

- uh, you know, why don't we just dive in

To whatever this is?

- okay, you remember donald,

My son who's two years older than me.

- ah, yes, please.

As I recall, you own the tracy jordan institute

For black karate.

- you wouldn't believe this,

But that business failed.

I blame obama.

But the good news is,

Donald has a brand-new venture.

Sell him, son.

- it's a theme restaurant in times square.

- well, the theme restaurant business model does work.

Nascar's fat load cafe is a gold mine.

- well, we got a bunch of capital

From brown and folderson.

And we wanted to get you a seat on this rocket

Before it takes off.

- so it's decided. Jack's on board as an investor.

- ah, not so fast.

- so... It's... Decid---

- uh, let's just bottom-line this thing.

I never invest without doing my research.

I'll do a site visit tonight and kick the tires.

- all right, but if some other investor comes along,

It's your loss.

- a mexican billionaire's calling me right now.

Excuse me.

Senior mexico, uh, si si. Yo soy donald, si.

Andale andale? Arriba arriba?

- what is senior mexico saying?

Stop keeping me out of the loop!

[Exciting jazz music]

♪

- hey, jenna, I need to go over--

Gah!

Snuh! - what is it, liz? We're busy.

- jenna and I are mirroring

Until we achieve touchless orgasm.

And... Finished.

- agh. - well, I have to go to work.

My new manager is making us wear nametags.

I might as well be working

At a roller-skating drag queen restaurant

Under taliban rule.

- but after your shift,

We still have our special night, right?

- you have no idea how special.

- ugh.

- oh. We're celebrating our six-month anniversary

And I think paul is going to pop the question.

- really? That's a little fast, isn't it?

- I will say yes when paul proposes...

That we make a sex tape and leak it on the internet.

- oh, I thought you meant marriage.

- god, no. Marriage is like death.

You settle into a routine. You lose all the spark.

- I don't know.

I always thought the whole point

Of being with someone for a long time

Is to get to the comfortable routine part.

- no. Relationships are like sharks, liz.

If you're not left with several bite marks

After intercourse, then something's wrong.

- well, nothing's wrong with me and carol.

I mean, we haven't spoken in five days,

But that doesn't mean anything because we are not sharks.

We are legless turtles rotting on the beach.

Jack, what makes a guy get bored in a dating situation?

- that's an excellent question.

The answer is questions like that.

- look, this long distance is hard.

And now carol and I haven't talked

In, like, five days

And my other stuff is still unresolved.

- I get it, lemon. You need to see a therapist.

Someone you can dump your problems on

And then get on with your, uh, "life."

- ugh. I'm trying. I just can't find someone I like.

I mean, have you ever been to a shrink?

- no. I believe that when you have a problem,

You talk it over with your priest,

Or your tailor, or the mute elevator porter

At your men's club.

Then you take that problem and crushit

With your mind vice.

But for lesser beings like curly-haired men

And people who need glasses,

Therapy can help.

And, lemon, I want you to get better

Because--and I mean this--

I'm tired of talking this much to a woman

I'm not having sex with.

- hey, jack. Welcome to staples.

- why did you choose that name?

- because staples means "the basics."

And that's what you're getting here.

Food, drinks, fun. Staples. Yeah, we got that.

- staples is also a giant office supply chain.

- well, we'll see who's still in business 200 years from now.

Come on.

- donald, I'm going to pick a problem at random.

Is the theme of your restaurant "not enough tables"?

- no. We just need a lot of room

For the monster fight.

- excuse me?

- jack, are you familiar

With the megarestaurant medieval times?

Well, I took that model and replaced the knights

With unlicensed versions of japanese monsters.

Ladies and gentlemen,

There's been an underwater nuclear explosion.

A beast has been awakened.

It approaches with fearsome steps.

Boom boom boom.

Are we paying the price for our hubris of science?

Witness the primeval might that is godzila with one "l"

For trademark reasons.

Oh, no one is safe!

Who all is going to protect us?

It's mechagodzila.

Boom boom boom.

Thank you for choosing staples.

- ah! Donald, george punched my crotch.

- you liked it.

- oh, my god.

- [knocks at door] captain burnett

Called earlier, miss lemon.

- finally. Not that it matters.

We're turtles.

- he said he doesn't have cell phone service

'Cause he's on layover in daytona beach.

But don't worry, he's fine and having a great time

With his flight crew.

Uh, stewart, brenda, amber, crystal.

Also in the background, I heard lady giggles

And the sound of a beautiful sunset.

- see, this is why I need to find someone to talk to.

- talk to about what? - men. Trust.

I mean, I just feel like sometimes men

Aren't totally honest with me.

- hmm. Go on.

- well, for starters,

Everyone I ever dated in high school

Turned out to be either gay

Or a girl dressed as a guy

To get a journalism scholarship.

My own dad tried to secretly cheat on my mom.

And I thought their marriage was perfect.

Then, of course, there's santa claus.

- okay. Talk about that.

- when I was seven,

I asked for a cb radio for christmas

So I could track gas prices around the state

For a cool chart that I was making.

- we'll get back to that later.

- when I didn't get it,

My dad blamed santa claus.

Well, santa made an enemy that day.

And the next year when he returned

To the schuylkill galleria, so did vengeance.

- ho ho ho. What can santa bring you this year?

- what does it matter?

You didn't bring me what I asked for last year,

You fat fraud.

You're a bigger disappointment than our current president

Jimmy carter.

- I am a fraud, little boy.

[Gasps]

My wife still thinks I work at the bank.

- I guess santa claus was the first man

To ever betray me.

- that must've been difficult.

- it was.

But it feels good to talk about it.

Thanks.

- miss lemon,

There's a reason god gave us two ears

And only one mouth.

Listening is twice as important as talking.

But he gave us ten fingers.

He must really want us to poke things.

- oh. - poke poke poke poke.

- [exhales]

- oh. It's the vacant lot

Where we had our first face kiss.

- who stole my canteen?

- jena, what we have is so beautiful.

People need to see how happy we make each other.

And I think we're ready to take that step.

So over christmas, I want you to come to ohio

And meet my parents.

- what? - happy anniversary.

- hey, get a room! Whatever that is.

- well, tracy, I went to the restaurant last night.

That place is a disaster.

- damn it, you think I don't know that?

I've poured more cash into donald's restaurant

Than my money pit in connecticut.

- you have a house in connecticut?

- no, I do not.

Jack, I need other investors besides me.

- what? You're the only one bankrolling this?

What about brown and folderson?

- that's what I call my wallet.

I've bankrolled every one of donald's dumb ideas.

But what choice do I have? I'm his father.

- but you're doing him no favors

As a business partner or a father.

You need to cut him off.

- come on. The boy's only 43 years old.

- tracy, listen to me,

Not everyone is cut out to be a businessman.

For example, curly-haired men and people who need glasses.

- but I can't crush his dreams.

- you're not. You're just letting him fly

With his own wings.

- I bankrolled that too.

Thank god we tested it with a monkey first.

- oh, miss lemon, I'm signing people up

For the tgs softball team.

SO FAR I HAVE EIGHT NOs

And 25 shove it up YOUR GOON-HOLEs.

- shove it up your goon-hole. - okay.

- you know, ever since we had our little talk yesterday,

I've been doing some thinking.

- oh, good.

If I remember correctly,

We were discussing men and trust.

- yeah. And it got me thinking about my aunt linda.

- what was she like? - great until she got divorced.

My uncle harry was cheating on her.

- another male betrayal. Go with that.

- my parents used to make me go to linda's house

Just so she'd have company.

I hated those visits.

- your uncle never liked my cooking.

But you do, right, elizabeth?

You love your aunt linda.

Here's a fun game:

Put on harry's cologne

And give me a backrub in the bath.

[Laughs]

[Cries]

- to this day, whenever I hear someone's getting divorced,

I can still taste that egg and I--

Oh, my god.

My trust issues and my food issues

Are connected.

Uncle harold is the reason

Eggs make me gag.

Kenneth, you're the perfect therapist.

I can dump all of my problems on you,

Walk away, and move on with my life.

It's a win-win.

- why did she have to say "harold"?

- liz.

Last night was a disaster.

And not the good kind

Where I get to sing at a benefit.

- what happened?

- paul's idea of moving things forward

Is me meeting his parents.

He said they live in a "soo-borb."

- suburb. Come on, jenna.

It's not what you wanted, but it's progress.

- in the wrong direction.

- I think I know what's really going on

Between you and paul.

You're in love

And it's terrifying to you.

You're trying to sabotage it.

- sabotage?

I'm the one trying to make this relationship work.

Which is why I'm gonna have to be the one

To propose the sex tape.

Call me old-fashioned,

But I think that's the man's job.

- jack, I found a therapist and I've made

Some big breakthroughs.

I know you don't know what this means,

But I'm eating eggs again.

- I know it means this conversation is disgusting.

- [laughs]

- okay, donald is on his way up.

I know cutting him off is hard,

But it's your duty as a parent--

- [laughs]

- tracy, do not laugh at the word "duty."

Be strong. Be rational. [Inhales] NO EMOTION.

- unemotional. Got it. - daddy, what's going on?

- [crying] I JUST LOVE YOU so much!

- I love you too, daddy.

[Both bawling]

- okay, stop it.

Donald, what tracy is trying to tell you

Is that you're an adult

And he will no longer support you financially.

- is that true, daddy?

- for the love of god, stop calling him "daddy."

- it is true, little man.

- but I need you to be a big boy on this.

You're just not meant to be a businessman.

- fine. I'll be okay.

I got other ideas.

Like a microbrewery that also serves frozen yogurt.

I'm gonna call it "microsoft."

- I have this recurring dream.

Actually, is it recurring if you wake yourself up

WITH A [snorts] and then return to it?

Anyway, in the dream, I'm a baby.

[Voice echoing]

I think it has to do with my issues with sex.

- lemon, what are you doing? Is kenneth your therapist?

- well, kind of. - he can't handle that.

Look at his head shape. He has no brain pan!

- it's fine, mr. Donaghy. I'm okay.

[High-pitched voice] and so am I. I'm cheryl.

- this is exactly why I told you to see a professional.

You dump your problems on some half-baked barney fife

And you can start a chain reaction

Of mental anguish.

Look what you've done to him.

- but he's such a good listener and he takes my insurance.

- I'm going to help you. Lie down.

Put your mental burden in my mind vice

And I will crush it.

Kenneth, who is harold?

- he... Was a role model of mine growing up.

- [whispers] please let harold be human.

- harold was a pig.

You see, my father passed when I was just a young boy.

After that, I was alone a lot and awful sad.

But that pig saved me.

In some ways,

Harold was the only thing I had

That was like a father.

- you had a void to fill.

Continue.

- then one day,

My mama told me we had to sell him.

I knew what that meant.

Harold was off to the slaughterhouse.

- I know it's difficult-- - I'm not done, sir.

It gets worse.

With harold gone,

There was nothing keeping me at home.

It was time for me to move to new york

And follow my dreams.

But I needed $300

For the river ferry- train-ox cart-train-bus ticket.

And that's when I saw the sign.

I knew I could win that contest.

Heck, I'd once eaten an entire witch.

A pig was nothing.

And then they brought me mine.

I would have recognized those eyes anywhere.

- kenneth, no. - it was harold.

And I ate all of him. Even the face in case of a tie.

- good god! - I ate him, sir!

I ate my father pig!

[Whimpers and squeals]

- okay! Or you gave his death meaning.

His sacrifice made you what you are today,

Which is the lowest-level employee

At the last-place network in america.

- I guess that is true. Thank you, sir.

I'll think on that.

And you're sure you're okay hearing about all my problems?

- of course, I'm jack donaghy.

- [exhales]

- oh, no. Crush it.

Oh, god, here comes my childhood!

[Cries]

- I'm in here, paul!

- the restaurant was crazy today.

During nude hour, I got custard

All over my penis.

What's going on in here?

- you want to take this to the next level?

Let's videotape our lovemaking,

Pretend the tape got stolen, and let the whole world see.

- wow. I don't know, jenna.

I'm pretty beat. - I see.

Fine. I guess we're just done having any adventure

Or excitement in our lives.

- god. Well, jeez, I'm sorry that I'm happy

With the way things are.

Come on, why can't we just paint each other's toenails,

Watch vintage pornography,

And then go to bed in our swing like a normal couple?

- because it's boring.

We might as well be married--

- okay, this isn't about us being adventurous.

This is about you being afraid to settle down with me.

- that's not true. - fine. Let's do this tape.

But then what? What will you want next?

- well, there's a sex resort in japan

Where white people are treated like slaves.

- no, jenna!

You're making it impossible

To live up to your expectations.

- what are you saying?

- I'm saying adopting a dog

So it can watch us make love

And then returning it claiming that it bit

Our imaginary child is everything that I need.

But if that's really not enough for you,

Tell me now.

- I'm sorry. - very well.

I'm not going to beg you. I have my dignity.

I trust you to fairly divide up our panties.

I'll come get them tomorrow while you're at work.

- oh, miss lemon, I have another message

From captain burnett.

Please don't get sad, and remember things,

And infect me again.

- kenneth, it's okay.

I'm not worried about carol anymore.

I'm just sorry I messed you up like that.

- don't worry. I had my brain cleaned by mr. Donaghy.

Oh, I told him everything. How harold was--

- no, no! Don't tell me your story!

I can't handle it. Look how small my head is.

- oh, my! So tiny.

- daddy, I wanted to give you your share of our profits

Before I shut down my dream.

Someone left it in coat check.

- tracy, listen to me. I was wrong.

Don't turn your back on donald.

- too late. Look how we're positioned.

- kenneth told me a story earlier--

A story about fathers and sons.

And despite my best effort,

It unearthed a memory from my own childhood.

As a boy, I wanted to be an astronaut,

Or a deep-sea diver, a man of science.

But I was raised by jimmy donaghy,

A man who projected his own failed dreams

On to his family.

When I was in third grade,

My class put on a science play.

The night before, jimmy came home drunk

And found me rehearsing my lines.

I was struggling with the science terms.

And jimmy laughed and said "well, looky here.

"Dr. Jack. The boy wants to be a scientist.

"Chowderhead can't even say the words!

You'll never be nothing!"

The next day, I was up on that stage.

I looked out at the audience, I saw jimmy, and I froze.

- I am a protoin. Protein!

All living orgasms-- I mean orgasms.

- chowderhead can't even say the words.

- when I got home, I threw away my microscope,

My shell collection, my map of the stars.

- [coughs] NERD.

- a parent is the one person who is supposed

To make their kid think they can do anything.

Says they're beautiful even when they're ugly.

Thinks they're smart even when they go to arizona state.

Let the rest of the world tear your kid down.

Your job is to support him no matter what.

Tracy believes you, donald. Go and make him proud.

- that's a nice, long speech and all,

But your daddy was right.

You couldn't be a scientist.

You could even be protein in a school play.

And I can't run a business. I'm a failure.

- I...

Am a protein!

All living organisms need me to function.

A basic building block of the human body.

I'm made from amino acids found in ribosomes.

Proteins give energy to everything

From flowers and butterflies

To heroes who turn in communists.

I am a protein.

- daddy, can I have $50,000 to start a business

Where people can call in and get air quality reports

From all across the united states?

I'm gonna call it... - donald, no.

- american airlines. - and it's going to work, son!

[Crying]

- this is what happens when you work at being happy.

Godzilla sits next to you while you're eating

An egg salad sandwich.

What a world. - what's the point?

I moved here to make it to broadway.

Now look at me. I'm pathetic.

I've got no real skills. A degree in theater tech.

So you move back to pennsylvania.

Live with your parents.

All of your old friends have kids and careers.

And what do you have?

Maybe your name on a tv show

That no one will even remember.

I should've moved to cleveland with that guy

When I had the chance.

- damn you, gojira!