Apollo, Apollo

[Cell phone vibrates]

- hello. - lemon, good morning.

Wh--what is that sound? Are you frying bacon?

- no, it's my new running shoes.

- [laughs] oh, come on.

Lemon, I'm going over the guest list

For my 50th birthday party and you have not rsvp'd.

- oh, right, sorry.

My mail's been piling up

And I keep forgetting to buy toilet paper so...

- what is that supposed to mean?

- nothing. I'm coming. - good.

And don't wear that thing with the belt.

- what thing with the belt? Don't hang up.

I have a lot of belted outfit--

Oh, what is this idiot doing?

- I will be brief.

I have decided to fulfill my dream

Of going into space.

If you have a spaceship and are looking

For a hilarious astronaut with an irregular heartbeat

And $30 million,

I'm prepared to leave as soon as tomorrow.

- [sighs] - I wrote that yesterday.

I will not be taking questions.

- ugh!

[Knocking]

- hello, dummy. - no! Nope!

Not interested. Have a good life.

- this is important. It's about my mom.

- [sighs]

- that was a lie.

But listen, elizabeth,

I recently discovered that I'm a sex addict.

- no, you're not. - yeah, I am.

I'd be an even worse sex addict

If I wasn't so consumed with my latest business venture.

- I don't want to hear about your job, dennis.

- one word. Coffee.

One problem. Where do you get it?

- anywhere. You get it anywhere.

- wrong.

You get it at my coffee vending machine.

38th and 6th in the basement of the kmart.

Just go downstairs.

You get the key from david.

And boom, you plug in the machine and--

- you're done.

- but the point is, I'm dennis, and I'm a sex addict.

And one of the steps towards my recovery is atonement.

- please stop talking.

- former sex partner,

I'm sorry that my disease has made you a victim

Of my sexual charisma.

I'm sorry that I've ruined you for other men--

- apology accepted.

Now get out of my apartment.

- you know my sponsor said

That you were gonna try to pick a fight

To lure me into hate sex.

It's not gonna work, elizabeth.

My support group, it's lousy with nymphos.

- ugh.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪

- have you seen this tracy thing?

- I am aware of it.

I have a google news alert for the phrase

"Tracy jordan ridiculous disaster."

- have you spoken to him?

- we're on the phone with his assistant

Setting up a time for us to talk.

- well, when do you expect him?

- I think he has stuff all morning.

- you think or you know?

- hang on. I'm going into a tunnel.

- [scoffs]

- what is this?

- my mother sent me a box of old donaghy home movies.

- for your birthday? That's sweet.

- no, not really.

This is the card that came with it.

"Jackie, here is some of your junk.

"It was taking up the space

"My new boyfriend needed for his golf bags.

His name is paul and he doesn't want to meet you."

- mm. - at any rate,

I had jonathan convert the movies to dvd,

Preserve these memories forever.

- oh, my god. Is that you?

- [laughs]

- I like your little sweater vest.

Oh! Hi-yo!

You threw up?

- what?

As a kid you never got so excited you vomited?

- no. No one does that.

I mean, I've peed a little.

- help me! - [laughing]

- his tie caught in the shredder!

- I'm lizzing! I'm lizzing!

[Laughs]

"Lizzing" is a combination of laughing and whizzing.

- uh, well if you want a good lizz, read this.

- what is it?

- a list I made in the fifth grade

Of the things I wanted to have done

By the time I turned 50.

- oh, my god. This is adorable.

"Go to disneyland. Ride in an airplane.

Kiss peggy fleming."

- done, done, and oh, boy. Done.

"Live in a house with stairs.

"Beat up a russian.

Hit mom with a car."

I wonder what that ten year old would think

If he could see himself now.

"Fly on a plane." I've flown on air force one.

"Go to disneyland."

Lemon, I've held walt disney's frozen head in my hands.

- that's awesome.

I've danced with queen noor.

I've hunted the world's most dangerous game.

Man.

[Clears throat]

Excuse me. Manatee.

I once shot a manatee.

- well, if that kid could see himself today,

He would throw up.

- thank you, lemon.

- there's only one left.

"Be friends with batman."

- there's still a couple of hours.

Jonathan.

Could you get adam west's agent on the phone please.

[Phone rings]

Griswald talent management. Representing excellence.

- it's funny.

I actually played peter pan on broadway.

Did you know there's a broadway street in tampa?

- now this is important.

This needs to be threaded all the way up

In order to lock.

Otherwise you could fall.

- in bed. - pay attention.

- also, you can't have anything in your pockets.

- oh, my phone.

Will you hold that? Thanks.

Ready. [Gasps]

I'm flying!

Oh, my god. Why are there so many

Dead doves up here?

[Phone rings]

- jenna's phone.

- hey, jenna. This is dennis duffy.

- [imitates Jenna] yes, hello, this is jenna.

- I bet you never thought

You'd be hearing from me again now, huh?

- yes, really.

Why so ever would you be phoning me?

- with the help of webmd

I was recently self-diagnosed as a sex addict.

So former sex partner, I'm sorry that my disease

Made you a victim of my sexual charisma.

I'm sorry that I ruined you for other men.

Look, I would've come down there and done this in person

But it's complicated because of the whole liz thing you know.

- naturally. Liz. Always.

- if she found out about this she couldn't handle it.

And it would ruin your friendship.

You know, I was the love of liz's life.

- I'm not sure you were but apology accepted.

- oh, no. I totally was.

Peace.

- forget it, tracy.

- tracy, listen. You cannot go into space.

Your contract expressly prohibits dangerous activities

Like extreme sports or riding the subway on st. Patrick's day.

- what is this? Horseville?

'Cause I am surrounded by naysayers!

Wordplay. - that is solid.

- look, when I was a kid growing up in the projects,

I would look up at the stars

And dream of going into space.

Of escaping the slums.

Of killing an ewok!

Now the man that that kid has become

Can make those dreams come true.

Do you know what that's like?

- I do, tracy.

- then you know why I have to do this.

As robert browning once wrote,

"Oh, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp.

Or what is a heaven for?"

I was prepared for the possibility of this meeting.

- tracy, I'll call up my friends at nasa

And I'll set up a flight for you.

- thank you, jackie d.

- jack, what the hell?

- I'm not taking his childhood dream away from him.

Not on my birthday.

- so you're just gonna let him do this?

- of course not.

I don't have friends at nasa.

Bunch of nerds.

You're gonna have to use your tv magic

And fake a space launch for tracy.

- aw, I was gonna go for a run today!

- oh. Ha ha.

[Snorts]

- you missed a call.

- was it my doctor/trainer?

- no, it was dennis. Dennis duffy.

- calling me? Why?

- well jenna, dennis has been going around

Calling all the women he's ever had sex with.

- did you speak to him? - yes.

- did you pretend to be me? - I did.

- did you do an impression of me?

- of course. - was it british?

- it was. - oh, my god, liz.

First of all, the reason I have some english inflection

In my speech is because I lost my virginity

To the my fair lady soundtrack. - jenna--

- second, you guys had broken up

And dennis and I were in a very emotional place

Because of hurricane katrina.

- jenna, stop.

Yes, what you did was disgusting.

But how long have we known each other?

- 15 years.

We met at that car dealership audition in chicago.

You were trying to be an actress then,

Despite your neck.

- right. Yes.

Well we have both seen this happen too many times.

A strong female friendship torn apart by some guy.

But that's not what's gonna happen this time.

Dennis duffy said he didn't want this

To hurt our friendship.

As if someone like him ever could.

- oh, thank you, liz.

- I mean, the idea that that guy is walking around

Thinking he means anything to me--to either of us--

It's ridiculous.

- it's unacceptable.

We shouldn't let him get away with it.

- are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- yeah, let's stab him.

- let's give him a piece of our mind.

- yeah, your thing.

- more gifts, mr. Donaghy.

Oh, you got a new tuxedo for your party.

- you know I wore nothing but hand-me-downs

Until I was 12 years old.

- but I thought you were the oldest, sir.

- oldest boy.

Now look at me. - I already did.

Wow. That's a lot of loot.

My last birthday, I cleaned up.

Look at this keychain I got.

Every time you move his head, his head moves!

Look!

- kenneth, I wonder what it's like

Seeing the world through your eyes.

- I don't know, mr. Donaghy.

I think I see the world pretty much the same

As everyone else.

- really?

♪ 'Cause I think you're very special, kenneth ♪

- pardon me.

- ♪ To be able to get so much joy ♪

♪ From simple things - ♪ Simple things

♪ Simple

Things.

But most of us grow up

And lose our sense of wonder.

- oh, that's sad.

- not really. No.

I've surpassed my wildest dreams.

I'm--I'm happier than I've ever been.

- of course you are.

You've got all these fancy presents

From business associates

And this big empty house to store them in.

Happy birthday, mr. Donaghy.

[Sparse coins rattle]

- hello, dummy.

- hey.

What's up?

- I know about you and jenna, dennis.

- oh.

I--I get why you're here.

You want me to rank you.

Apples and oranges, ladies.

- no. Stop. Shut up.

I'm here because I want you to know

That I am not mad at jenna about this.

- well, you can't be mad at me either, liz.

I mean, I went to your apartment that night looking for you.

To be with you.

- wait a minute, hang on. My apartment?

- okay, I can explain that.

You had gone on that over 30 outward bound trip to arizona.

And you had asked me to house-sit.

Well, dennis came over.

And as I mentioned,

We were both pretty torn up about hurricane katrina.

- what those people were doing to the superdome.

Fine. All right.

You know what, it happened. What do you want from me?

This is what I want from you.

I want you to understand exactly how unimportant you are.

You are not the love of my life.

You are not capable of hurting me.

And you could never do anything to damage this friendship.

- it was in your bed.

- aw, guys, come on!

I eat in there.

No, I'm gonna take the high road.

So good luck with your fake addiction

And your inconveniently-located vending machine.

- no, not okay, liz.

Not okay.

All right, fine. You know what?

I'm ranking you now.

Hey, blondie. You're number one.

- thank you, dennis. - I don't care.

- you got it.

[Chattering]

[Dinging]

- ladies and gentlemen, I can't stay long.

I'm on a case.

The penguin's in town.

But I would like to introduce my good friend.

The man of the hour.

Jake delahey!

[Light applause]

Jake.

- this is wrong.

It's all wrong.

Everyone go home now.

The party's over.

[Murmuring]

- I was told I'd get a meal.

- fine. Why don't you just, uh...

- jack, am I the first one here?

Ugh! I waited.

This always happens.

- lemon, what's inside that box?

- I don't know. A toy?

- tonight was supposed to be special.

And all I could think about was that kid.

So happy, he threw up.

The closest I came to vomiting tonight

Was when I saw ann coulter's shoulder blades.

What happens to us?

- we grow up.

- I have a good life,

But I'll never be that happy again.

I want that back.

- well, there's nothing you can do about that.

- I disagree.

I'm going to find out what was inside that box.

I'm going to buy it with money.

And it's going to make me happy.

If that doesn't work,

I'm going to benjamin button myself.

- we're not meeting in the middle.

- oh, hey.

I just wanted to get you to approve

The other astronauts we hired.

- looks good. Where's tracy?

- in cape canaveral.

By which I mean through that door.

- we told him he had to be blindfolded before launch

To prevent space madness. - sure.

- and then we put him on the channel four

Traffic copter for a couple hours.

- and now he's landed here in sunny florida.

Well done, hornberger. - yeah.

As a child, I dreamed of being a congressman

Like my father.

Now I do this.

One dui in high school.

- at least it's dry heat here in florida.

[Electronic speech] good work astronaut jordan.

Now do 20 space sit-ups.

- computer, when do I get some tang?

Also, I'm thirsty.

[Laughs] wordplay.

[Laughs]

- morning, jenna.

- hey, you.

God, telling dennis off together was so empowering.

I felt so jacked up on the way home

That I threw a brick through the window

Of a banana republic.

- yeah, it was something.

- I can't believe dennis tried to do that to us.

But he got his, right? Sisterhood.

- sure. Sisterhood!

- oh. - what?

Nothing.

- ah! Ah!

- [gasps]

Be careful, 'cause that thing is open.

I'll go get the emergency floor marshall.

Floor marshall!

- hey, you called tech support?

- I need to see what's inside that box.

If I learned anything from watching 24,

You're gonna want to zoom in and enhance.

- why don't you ask jimmy what's in there?

It says "from jimmy" on it.

Jimmy flaherty.

- jimmy, what did you get me for my tenth birthday?

- uh, I thought this was a job interview.

I flew down from boston.

- I have to know, jimmy.

I need to know what you got me that made that happy.

- I don't remember, jack.

Doesn't this thing have any sound on it?

You're clearly saying something.

- jonathan, get me a deaf person.

- I was told this was a job interview.

- tell me, wendy. What am I saying?

You're saying,

"Apollo, apollo, apollo--"

Oh, my god! You puked!

Why wouldn't you warn me?

I'm staring at your mouth!

- apollo.

I know what it is!

- liz lemon.

Hey, sista! How's the leg?

- you are a piece of work.

These crutches are real, everyone.

Liz tried to kill me. - what are you talking about?

- oh, please, you saw the harness

And you didn't do anything.

- t-minus ten minutes.

- be quiet. Tracy's coming.

- all systems are go for launch.

Star wars.

- [making computer sounds]

[Triumphant music]

♪

- all that stuff about our friendship was a lie.

You would've let me die, liz!

Over dennis duffy.

- so okay, I did a bad thing.

But you slept with dennis.

And now we're... Even?

- even? I can't even look at you.

You know what?

You're no longer my plus one to the canadian grammys.

[Electronic speech] two, one, zero.

[Engines rumbling] lift off, we have a lift off.

- I'm scared but I'm also excited!

[Laughs]

Whoo! I'm lizzing!

Ah ha ha ha!

Lizzing!

I'm lizzing!

Yeah! Ha ha!

- oh, what is that, sir?

- this is an apollo command and lunar module

That I just paid $7,000 for at a vintage toy store

Where a morbidly obese gentleman called me "pal."

- whoa.

- tracy to earth. Come in, earth!

- mr. Jordan.

How is space?

- great wink, kenneth.

Space is very cold but very beautiful.

And sometimes it sounds like jenna yelling in the distance.

I think I-- oh, my god.

Where did you get that rocket?

- mr. Donaghy's letting me hold it.

- it's awesome.

- you know, I actually envy you two.

Sometimes I wish I could see the world

Through your eyes instead of mine.

- hey, jackie d.

If everyone could see the world

The way I see it,

It would be a better place to live.

- I bet that's true, tracy.

- but that part of me is gone forever.

I guess I just see the world the way I see it.

- is he letting me keep this?

- I think so.

I wish I was there so I could play with it.

- hi, miss lemon.

- [sighs]

[Knocks]

- what do you want?

I want to make it up to you, jenna.

What can I do?

How about on the next show you could do that song

That they wouldn't let you sing at the inauguration?

- no.

Chocolate rainbow is too good for tgs.

- [sighs] okay, fine.

You can tell them.

You can tell the writers.

- tell them what?

- about my commercial.

The one I was in back in chicago.

Ugh.

- everyone, listen to me.

No, it's a real thing this time.

When we were both living back in chicago

And liz was still trying to be an actress,

The only job she ever booked

Was for a local phone sex line. - what?

- it was a chat line for urban singles.

- and they only hired her

Because their first choice was deported.

- okay, we're even.

So you will not find it--

- I found it. It's on youtube.

- what? No--

- I have a cable to hook the computer up to the tv.

- then shut your wet mouth and get that cable.

Get it! - come on, guys.

Let's all be cool. That's not gonna--

- don't wait.

[Uproarious laughter]

- how did you do that so fast?

Hi, I'm bijou.

- bijou! - call me.

- oh, my god!

- oh!

- I have since had invisalign.

- that is not attractive.

- call us. In english, german, or polish.

[Continued laughing]

- that's not even enough numbers.

- 21 hours a day.

- what is this?

- it's a commercial that liz did

Back in chicago.

That's liz.

- no.

- call us. We love to party.

[Laughter]

- I remember that girl.

She cried all day.

- no, this is not happening!

[Jeers]

- what's so funny?

Oh, is that billie jean king?

- oh, my god!

I haven't laughed this much since...

Since...

Since...

- everybody back up.

Get out of the way! He's gonna jack!

- goodness gracious!

- [retching]

- god, he's mortal! - what just happened?

- oh, lord! Oh, lord! Ah!

- [laughing]

- hey, are you feeling okay?

- I feel great. I feel like a kid.

Lemon, I honestly don't know what I would do without you.

- I'll see you tomorrow, jack.

- see you tomorrow... Bijou.

- ugh!