Hard Ball

Wow, this is an honor.

I am friends with number four

On Maxim's list of the sexiest women in comedy.

Thanks.

At first I was mad that Jessica Simpson

Was ahead of me.

But then I saw the Dukes of Hazzard.

Funny!

What is that, baby oil?

Actually, they use salad dressing,

'Cause it gets a better sheen.

This is ridiculous.

What does any of this have to do with comedy?

Ya burnt!

Listen, I just...

I wanna make sure you're not gonna regret this, you know?

Because it's not just cute guys

That buy these magazines,

It's teenage boys with weird rashes

And old guys that live at the Y.

Liz, posing in Maxim is a great career move.

There's no shame in it.

I'm laughin', I'm horny, let's do this!

[Wrexx-N-Effect's Rump Shaker]

♪ All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom ♪

Put the chicken near your mouth.

♪ Just shake your rump

♪ All I wanna do

♪ Is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom

♪ In a poom poom

Awesome.

Oh!

[Clunking on floor]

Well, you look happy.

Somebody just have a root beer float?

No, Josh's contract is up, which means

It's time for my favorite thing in the world,

Negotiation.

The essence of capitalism.

There's nothing like it.

God, I wish there was something I could negotiate with

Right now. Hey, Jack?

[Jazz percussion starts]

Just a reminder, I need a couple minutes

To go over breakage today-- how's noon?

Can't do that. Make it 4:00 AM.

That's no good. What about after rehearsal?

10:00.

Stop insulting me. 3:00 am.

Midnight. You bring the coffee.

2:30, you bring the coffee.

That's my final.

Done.

[Jazz percussion flourishes and ends]

Wow, you do have a talent.

I can't wait to go mano a mano with Josh.

Right, I think you mean mano a toddler.

Josh is a very sweet, very dumb kid.

Please go easy on him.

I'll try to remember that when you and I

Meet with him later.

What, me? No.

Don't make me be part of this.

Lemon, I would like to teach you something.

I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer

To your angry black kid who learns that poetry

Is just another way to rap.

No, Jack, I don't wanna learn about negotiation.

I just want Josh to stay. The show needs him.

Lesson number one, you don't needanyone.

Sure, Josh tests well with female viewers 12 to 24,

Which is important to advertisers,

Because young women will buy just about anything.

These sunglasses have a chip in them

That makes the lenses change color

As my iPod loses power.

But whatever Josh brings to the show,

He's still replaceable.

He's not replaceable as my friend.

He's not your friend now, he's your opponent.

He's going to try to grab all the marbles,

And it's our job to hide them.

That's not how you play marbles, Jack.

But that's how you keep them.

[Cool jazz music]

Yo, remember that email we got

From those Nigerians that needed our help

Gettin' all that money out of Africa?

We did it! I got the check today.

Say word?

Word is bond.

I would have been happy if our only reward

Was just helping that dethroned prince

Of Nigeria, but this is great!

We should treat ourselves.

Want to go to Vegas and buy a bunch of sarcophagi?

Nah.

I don't even use the ones I have.

We could add someone else to the entourage.

That's a good idea.

Yo, what's young Larry doing these days?

He's in Jay-Z's entourage.

What about Cheese?

He's rolling with Ghostface Killer now.

Fatballz?

Studying hotel administration at Cornell.

Well, go ahead, Fatballz! That's a good program.

Hello there, Mr. Jordan.

Mr. Slattery, Mr. Griswold.

I picked up your lunch from Sylvia's.

Extra cornbread because I know you like it.

Like it? I love it!

I love this cornbread so much

I wanna take it behind a middle school

And get it pregnant.

[Laughter]

Pregnant cornbread.

K, you like doing stuff for me, right?

How would you like to be in my entourage?

Well, that sounds like fun! What would I do?

Well, let's see.

Dotcom does the driving and the cooking.

Grizz is in charge of sitting on me

When I get over stimulated.

But I have been looking for someone

To harmonize with me.

♪ The sun'll come out

[Harmonizing]♪ Tomorrow ♪ Tomorrow

♪ Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow ♪

♪ Fa la la la

♪ There'll be sun

This is a really special day.

♪ Just thinking about to--♪

['60s vocal jazz]

♪

Nice. Yowza.

[Jenna] Isn't it great?

These are the sexiest women in comedy?

Where's Jackée?

Jenna, have you read your interview yet?

Oh, no.

Did I come across as interesting?

'Cause I tried to mention Bono as much as possible.

No, you come across as crazy.

Why did you tell the reporter that you hate the troops?

What?

I didn't say I hate the troops.

[Loud hip-hop music]

We have a huge readership in the armed forces.

What?

Do you have anything you want to say

To our beleaguered troops?

Theater troupes?

Yeah, the troops.

Oh, I hate theater troupes.

They think what they do is so important,

But it's just a bunch of gay guys

That like to get in silly costumes

And prance around.

No, Liz, he heard me wrong.

You know that I love the troops.

Do you remember that fleet week

After I broke up with David?

Oh, God, this is bad.

Nobody reads the articles in these things, right?

Maybe no one'll pick it up?

These Hollyweirdos from La La Land

Like Jenna Moron-ey are just un-American!

So we are calling for a boycott

Of NBC, General Electric,

And their parent company

The Sheinhardt Wig Corporation.

Jack, I was misquoted.

This is my fault.

I never should have let her do this Maximthing

In the first place.

We're going to nip this thing in the bud.

Jenna is going to make a public apology

Tomorrow on Hardball.

You know what that is, don't you?

Yes. Should I prepare a song?

I really can't wait to renegotiate your contract.

Thank you, sir.

[Camera shutter sound]

What?

Hey.

Does my vulva look swollen?

Come here.

I just wanna warn you as a friend

About this contract thing.

Jack is gunning for you.

Really?

Don't worry, you're not going anywhere.

Jack said advertisers love you,

Because you test great with women 12 to 24.

Which advertisers?

Could I get free Choco Sticks?

Just don't be pushy about your contract,

And I promise we will get through this.

Yeah, um...

Alan actually told me not to talk to anybody

About this.

Alan? Who's Alan?

Jacuzzi, the whole nine yards.

Jack. Jack Donaghy.

Alan Steiner. Good to see ya.

I'm Josh Gerard's agent.

Oh, really?

Listen, I'd love to grab a little face time with you

Re: Josh's contract offer.

We've got some serious troubs, my friend.

We are not smiles-times.

I'm sorry to hear that, Alan.

What your skedge mañana?

'Cause this is gonna be one serious negosh.

My skedge is wide open, Alan.

Hasta mañana.

♪ What a man, what a man what a mighty good man ♪

♪ Mighty mighty good man ♪

Yeah!

[Cheers and applause]

So, entourage, what's on the schedule

For today?

I have us penciled in for Halo.

I love Halo!

I love Haloso much, I wanna take it out

Behind a middle school and get it pregnant!

[Laughter]

[Kenneth] Why are you guys laughing so hard?

That's the same joke

Mr. Jordan said earlier.

I don't think so, K.

'Cause I like to keep my material fresh.

I like to keep things fresh so much,

That I wanna take it out behind the middle school

And get it pregnant.

[Laughter]

[Video game guns shooting and beeping]

Whoa, who just killed me?

That's never happened before.

I did, Mr. Jordan!

[Tracy] That's impossible!

I've beat all the world's best players.

Grizz, Dotcom,

My publicist, my stylist...

Oh, well...

I just killed you again!

You're cheating!

And I don't wanna play no more!

I hate this!

Grizz!

I think it's best you come sit on me.

And I just want the troops to kill everyone

And come on home.

Pretty good.

But this is Hardball, Jenna,

So you might wanna be more specific.

You could say that you support the troops,

But you feel that the war was poorly planned

And started under false pretenses.

And that we should have used those resources

To hunt down Osama Bin Laden.

Liz, I'm just worried that I'm gonna

Sound like I don't know what I'm talking about.

Hey, would Sharon Stone worry about that?

Mm-mm.

Would Richard Gere?

No.

Then you go out there and you voice your opinions

Like a star.

Okay, what are you gonna do if they ask about '08?

Well, of course I want Hillary to be the first woman president.

Ugh. No, Obama.

You support Barack Obama.

Remember, you liked those pictures of him

At the beach?

Oh, right.

Obama, what is he, Hispanic?

No, he's black.

And he's running for President?

Good luck.

[Jazz music]

♪

Is this new furniture?

This is my negotiation set.

What?

Gentlemen, please sit down.

All right, let's skip the foreplay

And get right to the penetraish.

Josh is looking for

A 15% raise,

A two-pic guarantee from Universal,

And time off for every Jewish holiday

No matter how ridiculous.

I mean, Yaznach is coming up.

That seems pretty reasonable,

Right, Jack?

Here's my counteroffer.

One dollar.

[Jazz music starts]

What?

Oh, boy.

That's absurd.

You know what's absurd?

These photos I found of Josh

Roughhousing with Lance Bass at SeaWorld.

What, we were just being silly.

My offer is now 75 cents.

Tic toc tic toc tic toc.

It keeps getting lower. I think we should take it.

Relax.

Look, Jack... We know about the testing.

Women from 12 to 24...

Love my guy.

Who told you that?

Oh, Liz did.

Shut up. What?

That was privileged information.

That's what I thought.

Awse.

We are back in the game.

[Whispering] I knew you weren't ready

For a big chair.

[Silently]

[Video game guns shooting]

Yo, Kenneth, we need to talk, man.

Oh, I've had this conversation before.

You're marrying my mom, aren't you?

No.

It's about how you're treating Tracy.

You're beating him at Halo,

You're not laughing at his jokes.

He's the king around here.

You gotta respect that.

Oh, my gosh.

I had no idea I was causing a problem.

Hey, I got next game.

Hold up.

How are you beating Kenneth, Grizz?

I don't know.

If Kenneth can beat me,

And you can beat Kenneth,

Then by the transitive property,

You should beat me too!

Have you been letting me win?

Just at some things.

Things? Plural?

What is the world's only egg-laying mammal?

The Easter bunny!

Right again!

That's a green pie piece.

Amazed.

Raaah!

Yeah, what, cat?

Yeah, Dotcom! Yeah, Grizz!

Have you two been treating me

Like this all this time?

Like a child?

No no no, I won't stand for this.

Entourage disbanded!

Oh, my.

Tucker Carlson, you heard what Jenna Maroney had to say.

She supports the troops.

Well, here's a question, Chris.

Why do we care what she thinks about anything?

This woman strikes me as another empty-headed

Self-involved member of the Hollywood ignorati.

You know, for someone who's super super hot,

You're really cranky.

I have just as much right to my opinion

As you or Chris.

[Chris] I'm not sure you do.

You've been on the show for 20 minutes now.

You sang six bars of something called Muffin Top.

Thank you.

And then told a disgusting story

About Fleet Week.

I guess this is the state of political discourse

In this country nowadays.

And that's fine, let's just embrace it.

Let's have our policies determined

By former Cable Ace Award nominees.

First, I was great in that Arliss.

Second of all, if they president is so serious

About the war of terror,

Why doesn't he hunt down and capture

Barack Obama before he strikes again?

It's time for a change, America.

That's why I'm voting for Osama in 2008.

Oh, no comeback? Ya burnt!

[Big exhale]

Hey, Jack, I was totally gonna call you.

Which of your massive screw-ups

Should we discuss first?

How about the Jenna situation?

That is taken care of.

I have written an op ed piece

For the New York Times under Jenna's name

In which I put the media on trial.

Boo! Here's the plan.

We're gonna take Jenna, put some flags behind her,

Have her sing a song that rhymes USA

With "Make them pay," dress her in an eagle costume,

And we're gonna call it a salute to the troops episode.

Okay.

Moving on, Josh Gerard.

I had him right where I wanted him.

Until my partner stabbed me in the back.

I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry.

I was just trying to give my friend a head's up.

Why can't we all just sit down

In normal chairs

And figure this out?

Suri, is Josh in yet?

Josh isn't coming in today. He's sick.

He said he was throwing up all night.

A sick out?

I didn't think he had it in him.

What are you talking about?

He's faking.

He's gonna stay home until we give in

To his demands.

No, Josh could not come up with a sneaky plan

Like that.

He told me he was a pallbearer

At his brother's wedding.

He's probably just sick because he's stressed out

About his job.

Lemon, what happened in your childhood

To make you believe that people are good?

You know what?

If my friendships and my job

Are in compatible, I choose my friends.

And right now,

I am going to get some chicken soup

From Josh's favorite place and take it to him

And say that I hope he feels better.

Do you ever get any emails other than from match. Com?

No no, don't look at that.

Aaah!

Damn it!

Close, right?

Feel like I'm above the rim.

Can't palm the ball.

Sir, I think you made a mistake firing Grizz and Dotcom.

They just wanna make you feel better about yourself.

They disrespected me.

But don't you miss them?

You're the only one I can trust, K.

You're my whole entourage now.

Oh, I'm not so sure I can handle that.

Yes, you can.

Because you were honest with me.

I don't need a couple of yes-men.

I need the truth.

Well, if that's the case...

Then you should know

That you're never gonna dunk this basketball.

Also, that Oscar you have is made of chocolate.

And that lady you European kissed last night

Was actually a gentleman...

Okay, that's enough.

Oh, here comes one right now.

Excuse me, do you work for NBC?

Oh, no, I was just passing through there

On my way to church.

Well, are you interested in taking back your country?

Am I!

Then join here tomorrow night

For a protest

Against the freedom-hating Jenna Maroney and TGS!

There will be snacks!

I will definitely be there.

Large chicken soup to go, please.

John and I saw your tape. Very very impressed.

Thanks.

You have to ask yourself,

What are you doing on TGS?

We are always looking for new correspondents.

[Liz] Josh?

You stupid turd.

Hey! Liz.

This is...

Yeah, I can guess who this is.

Are you trying to get on another show?

Behind my back?

Look, Liz, I'm sorry. It's just business.

No, it's not business. I stood up for you.

You were opening for a puppet when I found you.

How could you betray me like this?

You know, that's not even the worst part.

You know what the worst part is?

You proved Jack Donaghy right!

Again!

And by the way, what kind of moron

Calls out sick and then comes to work

To have a meeting?

I get an NBC discount here.

Idiot!

I'm a big fan of your show.

[Percussive jazz music starts]

♪

I want you to crush Josh.

I want you to crush him.

♪

[Music fades]

Mr. Jordan, Keith called on your cell.

He said they were "at the thing,

And Lil' Zay just end up running."

What did you tell him?

Well, he wanted Dwayne Jr.'S number,

So I gave it to him.

You did what?

Damn it, K, now I have to hear

From Tanisha's mom on how they both mad at the twins.

You have to handle this stuff better.

Mr. Jordan, I don't know any of these people.

But Grizz would have...

Damn it, turn on the TV for me.

Dotcom set this up.

I don't know how it works.

Television on!

Pornography!

Good, you're here.

Josh and his agent are on their way up.

Ha ha, yeah.

Then they're gonna be on their way down.

Um, you know, that was weak.

But you're in the mix, you're having fun.

I like that.

Gentlemen!

Make yourselves comfortable.

What are all these headshots for?

Nothing.

Just some meetings we're taking.

Meetings?

And if...

Look, Jack, I think I should tell you,

Josh has an offer from The Daily Show.

Yes, Liz mentioned that.

I don't think that's gonna pan out.

What, are you kidding? What happened?

What'd you do to our offer?

I called my friend Saul Sheinhardt

At our parent company Sheinhardt Wigs

Who called his nephew Morty Sheinhardt

Who called his son, John Stewart.

[Liz] ♪ Ah ha

Ya burnt!

Let's get down to brass tacks. Josh can stay.

Thank God!

But no raise, no movies.

And only one Jewish holiday.

What's the one where they go into the tent?

Sukkot. That's the one.

We have a deal? Deal, thank you.

I need this money.

I have a really bad sex addiction.

Sorry.

That's it?

I thought you said we could crush him.

What are you talking about?

I took away everything. That's crushing.

No, do more stuff!

You made me look like an idiot.

You have to pay.

Liz, he's not getting a raise.

Do the worm!

Do the worm!

Good Lord, the worm!

That's so degrading.

Are its origins German?

Now say five reasons I'm better than you!

Smarter than me.

One!

You can beat me in arm wrestling.

[Liz] Two!

You read the paper.

Yeah, suck it, I do read the paper.

You want me to do anything?

Be a crab!

Crab.

Fight the worm!

[Jack] Wow!

Liz, you took to this like a natural.

More than I ever...

Okay, now, the crab is getting aroused.

Shut it down. Shut it down.

[Rock anthem plays]

♪ Small town worn fatigues ♪

♪ Big dreams and little leagues ♪

♪ Gigantic star-spangled fireworks ♪

♪ Light up the night

You know, you actually did a good job on this.

Why do you sound so surprised?

I love America.

Just because I think gay dudes

Should be allowed to adopt kids

And we should all have hybrid cars,

Doesn't mean I don't love America.

♪ I said America

[All] ♪ She said America

♪ I said Ameri...

And cue the pinwheels.

♪ Ca

[Pete] Okay, the pinwheels are lit,

But they're not spinning.

When they're not spinning,

They look exactly like...

Swastikas.

[Crowd booing]

TGS, Totally Godless Suckers.

Or Satanists. Ooh, that's even better.

Hi!

Entourage...

Oh!

You gotta get me out of here!

Make a path, please!

[Slowed-down] Help!

[Ballad music]

♪

Wow, Tray, you really saved us from that crowd, yo.

You sure did, man. You sure did.

Yeah. Of course I did!

I love you guys.

I love you so much,

I'm gonna take you behind the middle school

And get you pregnant.

I love you, Dotcom. I love you, Grizz.

[Tracy singing] ♪ And I will always love you ♪

♪ And I will always love you ♪