Aunt Phatso vs. Jack Donaghy

- what?

Hold on. Your name is jack donaghy?

That's hilarious. - I beg your pardon.

Where is your supervisor?

- oh, you sound just like him.

Now say, "don't talk to me like that.

Don't you know who I am?"

- I will not say that because you just ruined it.

- [laughs]

[Phone ringing]

- jack donaghy.

[Laughter]

- what, pray tell, is so funny?

Both: I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING to laugh about.

[Laughter] - I can't believe he said it.

- gabe, google: "jack donaghy and black laughter."

- hold up.

You're jack donaghy. [Laughs]

- why am I suddenly an object of derision

In your community?

I've championed diversity on nbc.

I mean, we've got football.

That's pretty black, right?

- I'm laughing because jack donaghy

Is the bad guy from tracy jordan's

Aunt phatso movie.

- but you can't shut us down.

The $25,000 rap competition is in two days.

- well, unless you can come up with $25,000

In just two days, I'm turning this community center

Into one of my garbage dumps.

- ooh, damn you, jack donaghy.

[Flatulence] aah!

- [laughs]

[Exciting jazz music]

♪

[Loud footsteps]

- aah, this is so embarrassing.

I accidentally wore my tap shoes today.

Well, might as well do my act.

Now imagine I'm wearing underwear.

- hazel, what'd I tell you last time

You tried to audition for me?

- "aah, who's there? Please don't hurt me.

The safe's in my children's room."

- you're not getting on the show.

[Stomps]

- too bad, hazel.

Looks like everyone's onto your crazy now.

- why don't you make like a woman driver and get lost?

- 'cause I'd rather make like the father

I never had and stay.

- well, don't worry about me, jenna.

I've got everyone I need on my side.

- who, kenneth? [Chuckles]

- the things he knows about you people--

For instance, someone here

Sucks on old baby wipes to get the alcohol out of them.

- who does that? That's my thing!

- and one of the days, kenneth's gonna

Tell me something I can use.

And then I'll make my move.

- well, time is running out.

Tick tock, hazel.

The clock is ticking.

- well, you know what else ticks?

A time bomb.

So, yeah, jenna, tick tock.

- oh, there she is. Finally.

Liz, where have you been?

- I told you, like, ten times.

I had a doctor's appointment today.

My bunions are out of control.

The podiatrist said the only possible explanation

Is that one of my ancestors mated with a dinosaur.

- well, while you were out we had a little budget snafu.

We can't build any new sets. - ugh.

- so you're gonna have to completely rewrite

Tomorrow's show so that

Everything takes place in a farmhouse.

- pete, the budget is your job.

- who are we to stay what anything is?

- [sighs] okay.

What did you write after pete told you we're short?

- liz, we spent a long time

Trying to come up with a good excuse for why

We didn't write anything, but we failed.

- I put off this doctor's appointment for months.

They had to saw me out of my sneakers.

And I need quadruple-bunion surgery,

But I can't get it because I would

Have to be off my feet for three weeks.

And that would require someone else around here

To actually step up.

I would stomp off right now,

But my doctor says I need to walk like this.

- [laughs]

Delightful--charlie chaplin.

You have the moustache and everything.

- what's the matter, jack donaghy?

Did somebody accidentally swing a wrecking ball--

- what are you doing in here? [TV shuts off]

- uh, lemon, do you think I'm a villain?

- I have heard you say, "guard, seize him."

- that was at a knicks game.

They needed to stop the clock.

Why are you limping?

A foot illness or fell running for food?

- I need bunion surgery,

But I can't get bunion surgery

Because I have to do everything around here.

- no, you choose to do everything around here.

You need an assistant. - what? No.

I mean, I can always use cerie.

Although, the one time I did send her on an errand

She met some guy who flew her to paris,

And then she started modeling.

And then she ended up being the reason

Why the french soccer team did so badly

In the 2010 world cup.

- hire someone, someone dedicated

To making your life easier.

- I don't know.

- you wanna start a family, you have to prioritize.

How can you take care of a child

If you can't take care of your own feet?

- [sighs]

- hey, grizz. Hey, dot com.

Get me a black coffee, by which

I mean, a sunkist.

- how could you think we're grizz and dot com?

- 'cause I don't see race, you white bastards.

- tracy--

Would you care to explain this?

[Laughter]

- what, pray tell, is so funny?

- jack donaghy, don't you know in this neighborhood

You got to take your tires with you?

[Laughter]

- aunt phatso, you're fired.

You're all fired.

- [laughs] what is this?

- that's tracy jordan's aunt phatso

Goes to the hospitals goes to jail.

- when did you make a movie? - fourth of july weekend.

I wrote, directed, and did all of the makeup myself.

- oh, it's terrible.

- we made $50 million-- in atlanta.

- that man is portraying me.

- that's leslie van vondervann.

He's used to be on "knots landing."

- my twin is dead.

- unacceptable.

After all I've done for you--

I've brought you back from the dead

And revived your career.

And this is how you thank me?

- you will respect me.

And you will respect these boobies.

[Laughter]

- [laughs]

- I want every dvd of this movie

Removed from stores, burned,

And melted into a statue of you apologizing to me.

- I will do no such thing.

The only statue that movie will be turned into

Is a n. A. A. C. P. Shame award.

- hey, is there another one of these coming out?

Because I think I saw an ad for it

In urban buttz magazine.

They have an excellent word jumble.

- the new movie's called tracy jordan's

Aunt phatso's jack donaghy's we at it again.

- oh, you will not release that movie.

- you can't order me around.

Who do you think I am? Liz lemon?

- I will not have you talk to me

Like I'm some kind of liz lemon.

- whatever. I'll speak at both your funerals.

- typical jack donaghy, giving me no respect.

I'm the ceo of my own company.

I'm rich. I'm just like you!

- just like me? I went to princeton.

- I neglected a tiger.

- I'm on the board of the new york philharmonic.

- I'm friends with phil harmonic,

The worst rapper of all time.

- and I'm your boss. I own you.

Think about that during your five-night appearance

On watch what happens live.

- no! Andy cohen is so catty.

- and that's just the beginning.

If you don't take care of this,

You're fired.

You're all fired.

- so tell me about your day, kevin.

I mean, todd.

- well, this morning miss lemon

Had one of her meltdowns. - really?

About what? - mm.

Because she can't balance work and personal life.

But I mean, after seven years

And hundreds of these episodes,

It's like, let's move on. [Chuckles]

- liz needs help.

She needs someone who's ambitious

And talented and humble and a liar.

That's where hazel comes in.

- okay.

- whoa, whoa, whoa, let me hang those up for you.

You've got better things to do,

You genius. - okay. Thanks.

- oh, also, I put all the new promos on your computer.

And I wasn't sure how you take your coffee,

So mouth or enema?

- what's going on here, hazel?

- you need help.

I know you're trying to get pregnant

Because I think about it all the time.

You on top, your hair whipping around.

But what if you do have a kid

And you have to leave work because your daughter

Shot her choir teacher's husband?

I mean, that's the kind of stuff

My mom had to deal with.

- wow, okay.

Well, I'm just not sure that I'm comfortable--

Did you get me a second mini-fridge?

- no. I got you a mini-freezer,

Full of candy bars so cold

They'll crack your jaw, you bitch.

[Shushes]

- I didn't say any-- - [shushes]

Look, I wanna help.

You're my hero. Just give me a chance.

Sisters helping sisters. Glass ceiling.

Legitimate rape.

- okay, hazel.

I'm gonna get my foot surgery.

And if you can be my eyes and ears

While I'm stuck on the couch, you've got the job.

- great.

Now, if it's okay with you,

I am gonna go wash your sweatshirt.

- you got it unstuck from the chair!

[Applause]

- good evening.

The new york philharmonic is thrilled to announce

That we've recently received a very generous donation

That will keep us fully endowed

For the next decade.

[Applause]

In honor of that gift, tonight's scheduled program

Of debussy and rachmaninoff will be replaced

With a selection chosen by our anonymous donor.

So please enjoy a four-hour rendition

Of the theme song from sanford and son.

[Playing orchestral version of The Streetbeater]

♪

- now who's in charge?

- here we go. - hazel, thank you

For taking care of everything.

[Grunts]

I can't believe you got my health plan

To cover all this. - oh.

You just need to know what to say to them,

Like their children's names

And what they wore to school today.

- oh. [Chuckles]

Oh, will you send frank in?

I wanna see what they wrote to fill the fifth act.

- or, since I'm here to help,

Maybe I could fill the time.

I still know my rhythmic gymnastics routine.

I was good--

Until I hit puberty and the coaches said

I got too pregnant. - are you kidding?

I'm not gonna put you on the show.

- oh. [Knock at door]

- uh, lemon, a word? - hey, guy!

You can't just walk in here whenever you want.

How can I help you?

- so lemon has an assistant? Excellent.

Jack donaghy to see liz lemon.

- mm.

[Buzz] a mr. Donaghy here for you.

- get off this channel!

This is a military frequency.

- okay, you can go in.

- so you got your surgery

And the world hasn't ended?

- I think I can do this, jack, all of it.

I mean, right now, my feet

Are kind of like babies.

I have to swaddle them, and they need ointment,

And, like, six times a day brown stuff comes out of them.

You're beautiful babies, yes you are.

- look, lemon, I need some advice.

Tracy is actually trying to fight back.

He ruined a wonderful evening at the philharmonic,

Paying them to play the same song

Over and over again for hours.

[Sanford and Sonrhythm] ♪ I can't remember--

♪ I can't remember what it was ♪

But the point is, the man is totally irrational.

- you know what? Tracy's right.

You two are a lot alike. - I beg your pardon?

- you're both stubborn, you're rich,

You think you're right all the time.

You wanted to prove that you're not like tracy?

Let it go. - or crush him,

And prove you both wrong.

Get two birds with one stone,

Like when I used mick jagger to lure roger mcguinn

And david crosby to my birthday party.

- listen to yourself. You sound exactly like tracy.

- [mouthing] no.

- [gasps]

Just the person I wanted to see.

Oh. Hi, kenneth.

Look, I need to tell you something about hazel.

- oh, no, ma'am. I don't think

I should talk to you anymore about her.

You only have bad things to say.

Uh, hazel's my girlfriend.

- kenneth, this sounds insane,

But I care about you as a friend.

I take in 50 calories a day and

I'm using them all up just trying to help you.

- then just be happy that I'm happy.

- you're happy because of hazel?

What could she possibly give you that I can't?

- well, I'll tell you what she gives me, ms. Maroney.

She listens to me.

- just tell me what it is.

- I tell her what happened during my day

And she actually wants to hear about it.

Can you give me that, ms. Maroney?

- [shrugs and grunts] I don't know.

- ah, tracy, thank you for coming.

Please, have a seat.

- no, thank you. I prefer to lie down.

- these are my lawyers.

One is german, one is japanese.

And you don't bring these guys together to play patty-cake.

This is war.

- bad news, jack.

War's my favorite card game.

And I win about half the time.

- here's the rub, tracy.

Because you were reckless enough

To name your businessman villain "jack donaghy,"

I can sue you for libel.

I'm gonna take every penny you have.

- not the ones I've swallowed.

- we'll see about that.

- dude, it's not libel.

Everything jack donaghy does in the movie,

I've seen you do in real life.

- really? When have you seen me

Do something like this?

- you're a menace, aunt phatso.

But now that I'm on the city council,

I'm cancelling your urban youth program.

- oh, lord! - [laughs]

- what? You did cancel a program for urban youth.

It was my saturday morning kids' show,

Uncle tracy's black teletubbies rip-off.

- I cancelled it because, like you,

It was overly sexual and impossible to understand.

- grabalujah! - fine!

I've technically cancelled an urban children's program.

But what about this assault on my good name?

- not so fast, you crone.

I bought all the wheelchair ramps in this city.

And I'm turning them into more profitable stairs!

- when have I ever verbally accosted

An old woman in a wheelchair?

- liz lemon, 20 minutes ago.

- another technicality.

But the climax of this monstrosity...

- [German accent] that is what she said.

- is when jack donaghy shuts down an orphanage.

And I have never shut down an orphanage.

- you're right. I put that in

Just to have a part in there for a little girl in my movie.

I'm willow smith-ing my daughter.

Her album drops next week.

- [bleep] CHRISTMAS [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]

[Bleep] [bleep] blankie.

- this is libel, tracy. I win.

Checkmate. Game, set, match.

Rumbledy-goo--

Which is what you say when you win in polo.

- tell me about your day.

I'm listening.

- well, ms. Maroney,

[Distorted slow audio] this morning, I was--

- you're doing amazing.

I wish you could see how sexy your listening face is.

For halloween, you should go as a slutty ear.

What do you wanna do now?

Sing? Yeah, let's.

♪ I'll be up here

♪ And I'll be down here

♪ Jenna's blonde as a sunrise ♪

♪ Hot as the sun

♪ Bright as a shining sun ♪

- but with that being said,

How do you know when you both feel the same way?

I mean, sometimes I think--

- ♪ Jenna is listening

♪ Listening like the sun in the sky ♪

- ooh. Uh-oh.

Somebody needs to be changed.

- need anything else, boss man?

- I guess just bring in the wheelchair

So you can roll me down to the floor for the show.

- what? No, liz.

You had surgery this morning.

- sure, but I have to be there.

- oh, I would slap you if I didn't think

It would lead to a kiss.

This is about priorities.

What if those feet were real babies?

Would you walk on them to work?

What kind of mother are you,

You beautiful monster?

- hazel, I have missed one show in seven years,

And it did not go well.

- aah!

Josh, help me!

- you're not gonna miss the show.

You're gonna watch it on the feed, baby girl.

Idiot.

I'll be next to pete the whole time.

And if there's an emergency,

Your wheelchair's right outside.

- well, I guess that could work.

- let me be your eyes on set.

Although I can never match that amazing color.

- criss calls it "old-timey football."

- [giggles]

- five minutes to air, five minutes.

- wow. This is really working.

Hey, is that me?

Okay, no, that can't be--

Oh, brother, that's me!

It's an old show? Son of a--

- well, this email is from liz.

- duh.

Now, for my act, I'm gonna need a tarp

Because the first three rows will get wet.

- [grunts]

Why are my arms so weak?

It's like I did that push-up last year for nothing.

- and two minutes to air. Two minutes!

- [grunts] aah.

I'm sorry, babies.

[Dramatic music]

♪

Aah!

Ow!

[Groans]

Aah!

Wassername!

- huh? Oh-- oh, where am I?

[Gasps] oh, pete roofied me.

- seriously, hornberger?

You were gonna put her on the air?

- you told me to! I have your email.

"P-dog, let's use hazel in the cold open.

"Don't call me about this.

Catch you on the flippy-floppy."

That's you.

- you people killed my foot babies.

My foot babies died because of this show!

You're fired. - you can't fire me.

You don't even know my real name.

- get out! Now!

- [squawks] - ow.

- did you just fire my girlfriend?

- she's crazy, kenneth.

- no, she's not.

Ms. Maroney knows the real hazel.

Tell them what I told you.

- oh, god, what do I do?

Help me, me.

This one's on you, bitch.

[Car door slams and tires screeching]

- were you not listening?

- I think a song right now would--

- that's it!

From now on, my relationship with all of you

Is strictly professional.

We are no longer friends.

I am just a co-worker who would do

Anything for any of you at any time.

Nothing more!

- and we're live in three, two--

[Crickets chirping]

- oh, yeah. They didn't write anything.

- [crying]

- tracy, this is a surprise.

I thought you'd be at home licking your wounds.

- no, that's why they put that cone on me.

I just wanted to give you this.

- "you are cordially invited to attend the premiere

"Of tracy jordan's aunt phatso's

"Jack donaghy's we at it again.

"A percentage of the film's profits

Will go to support the knuckle beach orphanage."

I don't understand.

- without that money, the orphanage

Is gonna have to close.

- so if I shut down the movie,

I actually will close down an orphanage.

Which means the movie isn't libelous.

Which means I can't shut down the movie.

That's... Genius.

You win, tracy.

You bested jack donaghy.

- now you finally respect me.

And that's all I ever wanted.

- I really can't stop you from portraying me

As the villain in your films.

- what? Come on.

Did you not watch the whole movie, jackie d?

- well, it's 47 minutes long.

- in the end, jack donaghy is not the villain.

- you win, aunt phatso.

You bested jack donaghy.

- now you finally respect me.

And that's all I ever wanted--

Except maybe that hot little body of yours.

- great caesar's ghost! [Sultry music]

- [laughs] aw, baby.

- hm. Our thing sure is playing out

Just like the movie.

[Sultry music]

- oh, look, it's liz! - good old liz!

- well, my feet are ruined.

The show was an embarrassment.

But I learned something super fun.

I will never be able to have a family

And work at tgs.

It's just not possible.

So what do I do?

- don't ask me. Tracy's the genius here.

- oh, well, tray, I'm scared.

Do I give up on my dream job,

Something I've worked my whole life to build?

Or do I give up on my dream of having a family?

- well, as a wise woman once told me--

[As Aunt Phatso] respect these boobies!

[Laughter]

- seriously though, what am I gonna do?

[Playing orchestral version of The Streetbeater]

♪

[Orchestra pauses]

♪