100 (Part 1)

- this better be important, jack.

I was in the middle of bidding

ON A BAG OF BRAS ON eBay.

- lemon, hank hooper is on his way

Up from philadelphia,

And he wants to meet with both of us.

- why does he want to meet me?

Do you think it's a good thing?

- it's not, hon.

I saw that in a movie once,

But in the movie, the guy was dead.

Nice tie, jack.

- how long have you been there?

I was sitting in that chair a minute ago.

- nope. That was me.

What can I say? I smell like leather.

And you must be elizabeth lemon.

[Chuckles] - oh.

- well, I'll be bake mcbrided.

I know a philly gal when I hug one.

Now, elizabeth, I like to look someone in the eye

And smile when I say that what you're doing is bad.

It's just horrible.

Without tracy, your show is like my cholesterol.

The numbers are killing me.

So I'm gonna cancel tgs.

- hank, as you know,

TONIGHT IS TGS's 100th episode.

And we've been getting some good media buzz.

Got on wikipedia this week.

- so you did 99 shows against all odds and reason.

That's something.

Now it's time to rest. - really?

You want to cancel the only show on your network

Starring a 42-year-old woman?

A show that is number one in its time slot

Among men 18 to 49

Months left in prison?

I thought this company was a family,

But I guess it's that austrian family

And I am the girl in the basement,

And you are the dad who has been brutally--

- thank you, lemon.

What liz is neglecting to tell you

Is that tracy jordan is back.

- oh.

Well, that's something.

- and I would consider it a personal favor

If you would let them do the 100th episode

And then reevaluate the show with tracy in it.

- all right.

You get one more shot.

Just like the army doctor said to me

After my weekend in okinawa.

[Laughs]

You know, jack, I'm amazed at how much

You will stick your neck out for your people.

It's no wonder you're here with us good folks at kabletown

Instead of running ge.

They're mean.

Jack welch once smacked a pretzel

Out of my hand at the super bowl.

- is tracy back?

I'd hate to think I just lied to hank.

- geez, I'll get it done.

You know I'll do whatever it takes.

Lemon-style.

♪ Everybody dance now

[Crowd groaning]

But you're gonna get me another sandwich

Or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad

You'll have a chin.

- I will waste you!

- you'll have to go through this old bastard first.

And I don't really think it's fair

For me to be on a jury because I'm a hologram.

- what is the holdup with tracy?

I thought you found him.

- I did find him, but he's still crazy.

He thinks he can't be funny anymore

Because now he's a big oscar winner.

People respect him too much.

He told me he feels like a bartram's scrub-hairstreak

Trying to crawl back into its silky cocoon.

Which is a butterfly metaphor, by the way,

And not, as I first thought,

A list of african-american hair products.

- well, you just need to turn the beautiful butterfly

Back into a drunk, incompetent caterpillar.

- and I have a plan.

I booked him on every morning show in new york.

Tracy will destroy all his goodwill in time for rehearsal.

I've been prepping him all week.

[Imitating Regis Philbin] so, tracy jordan,

My wife joy and I were at mar-a-lago--

- jesus was black!

- just get him back in time for the show.

I have a very full plate.

- really? Is it from that pie place?

- and I'm tired of going to bat

For you and your show.

- oh, okay. Fine.

But just to be clear--

- there is no pie.

- okay.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪

- ♪ Who wears a swimsuit to denny's? ♪

♪ That's her

- ♪ That's me - ♪ That's pam

- the overly-confident, morbidly obese woman.

- and cut.

Congratulations, everyone.

In 100 shows, we've done pam 107 times.

- can you believe it's been five years

Since we first started doing this?

- um, that wasn't me.

There used to be another guy.

- I don't think so.

- happy 100th show, miss maroney.

- danny and I were just talking about

What an amazing five years we've had.

I will choke you to death with your boyfriend's wig!

Give me back my man, bitch!

- can you reminisce about something

That's happened since I've been here,

'Cause I couldn't see any of that.

- I'll never forget what you said to me

After that first show, miss maroney.

Terrific show, ma'am.

If I know anything about television,

The girlie showis a hit.

- oh, please.

If this turkey goes 100 episodes,

I'll have your baby.

I said that?

I was so young.

- wait. I saw that.

How? Am I dead?

- well, it's been 100 episodes.

I better lay you across my grandmother's lap

In the mating shed.

- [chuckles]

- but seriously, imagine if jenna

Really was a mother.

- it would be horrible.

- I don't know, miss maroney.

I think you'd make a wonderful parent.

You could sing the baby to sleep

And tell it fairy tales and act out all the witch parts.

- you're serious? You albino goon.

- I wish. Albinos get to be watchers

In the mating shed.

- I can't even imagine you pregnant.

A picture of you in us weekly

Next to natalie portman in the same maternity outfit.

"Who wore it best?"

- I did. I wore it best.

A baby gets you attention.

- listen up, friends.

It's pep talk time.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat anything here.

If we don't get tracy back

And do the best show that we've ever done,

We're cancelled.

- so we're counting on tracy?

Forget it.

- frank, put that hat back on.

Look, we've been through bad times before.

All right.

- [screams]

- ride it straight to hell!

- here come the roofies.

- where's my mac and cheese?

And we've had some good times.

- who wants-- my puddings!

- and I know what you are all capable of.

This is your moment.

Tonight, tgs will not be the worst thing on television.

It'll be john stossel.

Who's with me?

[Cheers and applause] - yeah!

Let's do it.

- good job.

- [high-pitched murmuring]

- gas leak, huh?

[Scoffs] great.

Damn it.

Why now?

On my last day before retirement.

Here. Let me show you guys something.

That's my girl.

We're getting married when I get out of here.

Why am I showing you guys this?

It's gonna jinx everything.

Plus you're a couple of pervs.

- [clicks mouth]

- should be all right as long as the leak

Doesn't get into--

Ah, damn it. Look at this.

It's going right into the sixth floor air duct.

Damn it again!

Well, we're gonna have to evacuate the sixth

Until this thing's taken care of.

Who's up there? Tgs?

Isn't that show already half-dead?

[Laughter]

- who wants to kiss?

- what do you say we get some fresh air?

- jack, we have a problem.

There's a gas leak in the studio.

- do you know what I find fascinating?

- mystery novels written by janitors?

- how everyone who comes through my door

Seems to want to talk about tgs

As if it's also the only thing in my life.

Now, I may not be the head of ge,

But that doesn't mean I'm not a very busy man.

- I've got other things going on too, you know.

See? I got a new hair.

It's white and it hurts, but--

- how bad is this leak?

- it's pretty bad.

Prolonged exposure could lead to incapacitation

Or even death.

Other possible side effects include

Hallucinations, revelation of secrets,

Telling of truths, flashbacks,

Headaches, nostalgia.

[Scoffs]

Can you believe this is happening to me

On my last day of work?

My last day.

I don't know if there was a party planned--

- evacuate the sixth floor.

I don't care if anyone dies.

I refuse to have long, gas-induced conversations

With any of you people.

- boy, you know, over the past five years,

We've had a lot of crazy characters

And guest stars drop by tgs.

- thank you, pete.

- thank you, pete.

- I can't believe it's been 100 shows.

More like 100 little strokes.

[Laughs]

[Sobbing]

You know, the girlie show was working just fine,

And then jack came along and forced me to hire tracy,

And now look at us.

Oh, life was so much simpler back then.

I had a boyfriend. Dennis.

Sure, he was an idiot, but he made great chili,

And he didn't care if I watched tv during sex.

- [high-pitched squealing]

- yeah, maybe I was better off then.

[Laughs and cries]

- liz, we have to evacuate the floor.

There's a gas leak.

- what? What about the show?

- everyone, evacuate immediately.

This is not a drill.

The gas is not affecting me yet,

So I can lead you to safety.

Just follow these... Troll penises!

Oh, god! What have I done?

- he is an oscar winner for his role

As d'jeffrey "lucky" seeda in the movie hard to watch.

[Cheers and applause]

Please welcome tracy jordan.

[Cheers and applause]

Tracy!

Tracy.

Tracy?

- why don't you shut your mouth,

Back that ass up and make me a sandwich?

- he's awesome.

You are still in character

As the verbally abusive d'jeffrey.

I mean, he's become such a part of him.

- so, tracy jordan.

- you asked to come on our show

Because you had a revelation

About your post-oscar trip to africa.

- I lied to all you ugly white ladies.

I didn't go to africa.

I was hiding in a warehouse in queens,

Watching vintage pornography.

- I love your honesty.

[Cheers and applause]

- it's because you didn't feel

Like your authentic self

That you walked away from success.

That's actually very brave. Don't you think?

- no! It's unbrave!

You should hate me! - I can't.

You fly free.

I'm a bird in a cage.

Hey, you got to stay around.

We've got our no-cook cooking, hair make-unders.

- what does that even mean?

- it's new haircuts,

But you can make salads with them.

- [screaming]

- a true artist...

He feels things we don't.

This is today on nbc.

- no, we can't do another pam.

Not tonight.

Frank, what is this?

"Broken eyboard alk show"?

- I write what I know.

Also I broke my keyboard.

- no, we're throwing everything out

And starting over.

Only home runs, guys. Focus up.

- it's just hard to concentrate.

It's so nice working outside.

- [retching]

[Cell phone vibrates]

- tracy, how'd it go?

Are you on your way back?

- it was a disaster!

- what happened? What about our plan?

- I'm so beloved, I can do no wrong.

Now everyone's after me.

Unicef, the gates foundation.

And what is farm aid?

Is it a drink? Is it a drug?

Is it a bandage you put on a barn?

See, that's the kind of lazy stand-up

I'll never do again.

- tracy, just come back, do the show tonight,

And we'll figure all this out.

- f-u, l. L.

Spells "full," because you're full of b. S., liz lemon.

- listen to me. There's still time.

The media won't let you embarrass yourself.

Get the public to hate you, and the media will follow.

And then you'll get your old life back.

Trust me.

- you better be right, liz lemon,

'Cause I can't take much more of this.

I think bono got in my limo.

- liz!

Do you think I'd be a good mother?

- [spits]

No.

And I wasn't even drinking anything.

- I just feel like I'm at a point in my life

Where I'm starting to have this real desire

To nurture... My career.

I think pregnancy would be a great pr move.

- oh, my god.

You want a baby to help your career?

- look, tgs may be going away.

Being pregnant is a great excuse for why I stopped working

Instead of the truth.

I'M IN MY 40s, very difficult,

And not that good at playing la realite.

- jenna, think about this.

You will have a child.

- who will grow up to be a little gay fancy man.

- well, good luck finding a man willing to ride

That crazy train.

- I'll have you know I talked with a man this morning

Who thinks I'd be a wonderful mother.

- he must be an idiot.

- he is an idiot.

- [grunts]

Just maybe one more turn.

Then I can go home to my sweetheart.

I told her boy I'd hit a home run

For him tomorrow night.

Here we go. [Grunts]

[Gas hissing]

Damn it!

I'm getting too old for this

"Shh" sound that comes from this gas pipe.

- who are you?

You're so handsome.

- I'm jack donaghy, ceo of general electric.

The question is: who are you?

- I'm jack donaghy.

- you were jack donaghy.

You were magnificent.

- I'm still magnificent. - no.

I come from an alternate universe

In which I followed our plan

For world domination.

I run the general.

I own an nfl team.

I guest-starred on entourage.

What do you do?

- I'll tell you what I don't do.

Wear a striped tie with a striped shirt.

- it's called "power clashing"

And I do it because I can.

I wore this on the january cover

Of meetings magazine.

- we made the cover during meetings history month?

- I made the cover.

What happened to you, jack?

You were supposed to spend six months in tv

As part of your climb up the ge ladder.

You've been here five years.

And here... [Laughs]

Isn't even ge anymore.

It's kableclown.

- "town," donaghy, and that's not funny.

- it was funny when I said it

On my syndicated radio show.

- you bastard.

I'm doing fine!

- you used to be a shark.

- I still am. Look at my claws!

- sharks don't have claws.

You don't even know what a shark is anymore!

- oh, god.

- do you know why?

- no.

- liz... Lemon.

- lemon?

- she became your focus

At the expense of your own ambition.

You should have realized within a week

That lemon was a black hole,

Unworthy of our mentorship.

And now it's five years later, and what are you doing?

Are you building factories in bangalore?

Are you dining in the palin white house?

- no.

- you're approving tgs wrap gifts.

Baseball caps with stupid sayings from the show

Written on them.

What the hell is a "pwomp"?

- it's when two fat people--

- I don't care!

What's happened to you?

To us?

We make me sick. [Knock on door]

- mr. Donaghy?

- what? - yes, tom?

- the gas leak has spread to this floor.

You got to clear out before you start seeing things.

- thank you, tom. - I'll clear you out!

- oh, okay.

- I am a jedi!

- hey, look.

Tracy jordan is ironically reappropriating

His bad past behavior as a commentary

On fitzgerald's dictum that there are no second acts

In american life.

I want to take a picture of him

With my old-fashioned camera.

- no! No! - ah!

[Splash]

Help! I can't swim!

- damn it!

- "tracy jordan saves drowning man"?

Ah, come on!

- why is tracy off rescuing people?

Why isn't he here?

- he will be, I promise.

And we need to be ready.

Lutz, what are you working on?

- breathing through my mouth

So I don't smell the throw-up on my shirt.

[Gagging]

I would take my shirt off,

But I visited my rescue chimp

For his birthday last week,

And another chimp got mad and bit my nipple off.

He played with it,

And then he kissed it,

And then he ate it.

- damn it, lutz. Focus up.

Where's my computer?

Cerie, did you not bring my computer down?

- you said you were writing.

I've only seen you use that computer

To look at pictures of nate berkus.

- ah! Pwomp!

Hey, jack, you're friends

With jeter and springsteen, right?

Can you call and see if they'll be in the cold open?

They'd have to kiss.

- oh, really, lemon?

You still need my help?

Five years of my business life wasted,

And I'm still supposed to hold your hand.

Your wet, yet somehow flaky hand.

- what just happened? - you happened.

Sideways jack was right.

- sideways what?

- in here!

- did you also have to evacuate the nbc store?

- no, it's just empty.

This tv nonsense

Was supposed to be my stepping stone,

And instead, it's my gravestone.

And do you know whose fault that is?

- sort of feel like you're gonna say leno.

- you.

I got so sucked into trying to repair you

That I became the american auto industry,

Failing to recognize that you can't fix a lemon.

- wow, yeah, because the last five years

Have been so great for me with you as my mentor.

I was better off before we met.

- so what's your point, lemon?

You'd rather be doing the girlie show

And going home to dennis?

- I didn't say that.

But at least dennis was always there for me.

He's the only guy I can say that about.

I dragged you down?

Opposite!

- I should have gone with my gut

And fired you when we first met.

- what? Flashback, please.

- uh, pete, hang back.

- yeah, you bet.

- we have a problem.

- I can explain. My zipper broke.

- I don't think liz lemon's female voice

Is a good match for tracy jordan.

Firing lemon will send a message to the whole staff.

- no, no, you can't fire liz.

This show is her life.

She hasn't got much going on.

She threw a birthday party for her tv.

If you fire liz, then--

Then I quit.

- you'll never succeed by sticking your neck out

For someone like her.

But if that's how you feel, so be it.

The important thing is that I fire someone...

Pete.

- you tried to fire me?

And then a week later, you're like,

"Oh, I want to mentor you.

Unlikely friendship."

Who do you think you are?

- I'll tell you who I was.

That guy that fired pete.

And he could have run ge,

But instead, he got lemoned.

- I should have fired you from my life.

- I knew you were supposed to push,

But I didn't say anything.

- ugh.

- mmm.

The msg is delicious today.

- I'm so glad that you're able to meet me on my break.

Is this just to talk, or will you be activating

My electric underwear?

- just to talk.

Paul, do you think I'd be a good mother?

- of course not. And I'd be a terrible father.

I mean, what if we had a child

That was prettier than us?

We'd have to leave it in a desert.

- but kenneth thinks I'd make a good mother.

- oh.

Is that something you want?

- wasn't something I thought about

Until kenneth said I'd be good at it.

And of course, it'd be great for my career.

Everyone would talk about my crazy name choice.

Right now, it's between "frisbeeface" and "glock,"

Gender irrelevant.

- I love you, jenna maroney.

I want to hogtie you and hide you

In the luggage compartment of a greyhound bus

With just a bowl of dirty water.

- I love you too.

- but I don't know.

I mean, kenneth parcell may be the only man

In the world who thinks you should have a child.

- hey, dummy. - gah! What?

- whoa. You look good.

You lose weight or something?

Your neck, it looks looser.

- what are you doing here, dennis?

- I got your message.

- what message?

[Phone beeps]

[Recorded message] dennis, it's dummy.

I miss you.

Come see me.

[Air hissing]

Things were better five years ago, jack.

I WAS IN MY 30s and everything.

[Line ringing]

- whazzup! - [laughs]

- you've reached dennis' voicemail.

[In New York accent] "how you doing?"

[Regular voice] get out of here, joey.

I'm recording my voicemail message.

- [laughs]

Is that real?

But I was not in my right mind.

- but you called me, liz.

- oh, whatever.

- 'cause down deep, you still got

All kinds of queer feelings for me.

That's why I knew someday you'd be all vulnerable

From a gas leak or a coma or a super period.

- you're disgusting.

- and I would be there for you.

No, you were a mistake

That I made at a time in my life

When I could afford to make mistakes.

That's what I miss, dennis, not you.

- okay, gang, they fixed the gas leak.

They're airing out the studio.

We can start heading back up.

- whoa, hold on a second.

You think I'm just gonna give up now, huh?

I'm a duffy, liz, and us duffys,

We didn't give up when we got kicked out of ireland.

We didn't give up when america sent us back.

And we didn't give up when ireland

Then just set us adrift on a log, all right?

Come on, it's not over, liz.

To be continued, dummies.

- ♪ You're a star, you're on top ♪

♪ Somebody bring you some ham ♪

You should kill yourself.

- ♪ Rollin' with my homie

♪ Me and jackie d

♪ Bitches, get ready for a sex party ♪

- everyone knows

The most delicious part of the muffin

Is the top.

- ♪ Werewolf bar mitzvah

♪ Spooky scary

♪ Boys becoming men

♪ Men becoming wolves

- ♪ Oh, everybody born before jesus ♪

♪ Is in hell

All: ♪ THIS LITTLE light of mine, oh ♪

♪ I'm gonna let it shine

♪ Every day, every day ♪

♪ Let it shine