Cougars

Liz, Lutz and I are going to walk around Times Square

And pretend to be foreign.

I am from Hamburg, ja!

Want to come?

Oh, I can't. My cousin is in town.

All right.

See you, though.

Liz, I'm getting drinks with the recently divorced camera guy.

You in?

Legally separated sound guy's gonna be there.

Oh. I don't feel well.

Oh. Okay.

Hey, Liz Lemon, I'm going to an animals-only strip club.

Interested?

Does that mean the animals strip

Or the animals are the customers?

Animal customers? That's ridiculous.

Well, I have got a date.

So, I... Yeah.

Order, please.

Hi. Order for pickup.

Yes, I would like a meatball sub with extra bread.

And my name is...

Liz?

Yeah, that's me.

Okay.

Big night, Lemon? Let me guess.

Meatball sub, extra bread,

Bottle of NyQuil,

TiVo "Top Chef,"

A little Miss Bonnie Raitt, lights out.

No. I have something to do tonight.

Then you won't mind when I tell you

That Casey gets voted off tonight.

You monster! Why are you like this?

Sir, Tracy's here with a bunch of kids.

He wants to know if you have a minute to meet with them.

Absolutely not.

J. D.!

There he is!

I want you to meet the baseball team I'm coaching.

A group of fine young men and one special lady.

Dijonaise is a boy's name? Pardon me.

Tracy, this is wonderful.

I had no idea you were interested in baseball.

I wasn't. My motorcycle hit a police horse.

This is community service.

These kids come from Knuckle Beach,

The worst neighborhood in New York.

They are poor as hell.

Baseball is a wonderful sport, boys.

I remember when my high-school team

Won the Boston City Championship.

Everyone told us we were going to lose

Because our team was all white

And the other team was completely...

Uh...

Anyway, we won,

And I learned that anything is possible.

Baseball taught me how to win. Baseball taught me how to dream.

What are your dreams?

When I grow up, I'm going to do vending-machine maintenance.

I'm going to get shot by a cop and sue the city.

I'm going to be a talkative doorman with a drinking problem.

That's right. You shoot for the stars.

No, no, no, no, no. These are not the dreams of winners.

These aren't winners. They're 0-17.

Damn! We supposed to be at the game right now.

0-18!

That one's on Coach Tracy.

Someday I'll have an office like this. To clean.

You could have an office like this of your very own.

All you need is someone to point you in the right direction,

A role model.

Like R. Kelly and Michael Vick.

Faze?

Thanks.

Uh, Grandy?

Oh, my God. Who ordered the veal?

Am I right, guys?

Ugh, Jenna, that guy is a baby.

Lutz? I'm Lutz.

You ordered a venti chocolate mocha blast

With half-and-half and brownie chunks?

Thank you... Jamie.

I like your blond streaks.

It's very Simon Le Bon.

Who?

Oh, you're young.

Give it up, Jenna. You're talking to an ultrasound.

Now I'm getting attitude from the sexy librarian over here.

What? Sexy? You are. Shut up.

That guy is adorable.

Hah, Frank's gay!

Maybe I am gay. For that little peach.

Yeah, you want to kiss him?

I do.

I want to kiss him on the mouth and hold him.

What are you talking about?

Something just happened, Liz.

Come on. You read "Boobs" magazine.

I want Jamie.

Yeah, you're gay!

He's totally gay for...

Why isn't this any fun?

Come on, gather 'round. Circle up.

Everybody circle up.

All right, circle up. Circle up.

Come around me. Around me.

All right, listen. That's enough.

There's a weird dude standing over there,

And I don't want to get shot today.

Great hustle, great practice.

Okay, the weird dude is gone. Go home.

Hey, you guys, it's that king we met!

Good afternoon, boys.

I've been thinking a lot about you,

And I decided that I want to help.

Starting with some new uniforms.

Compliments of the Sheinhardt Wig Company.

You want to be a bunch of winners?

You've got to dress for success.

That's why I sponsor a charity

That gives away tuxedoes to homeless people.

It was a beautiful ceremony.

Mazel tov.

That's right. Put them on.

You don't get these kids, Jack. They don't care about winning.

They just want to be able to go outside for once.

At our first practice, they asked me what the sun was.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, Jamie. Hey.

Did you just come from working out, or are you naturally veiny?

Pull it together, Frank.

All right. Okay.

Good to see you, man.

Thanks.

So, I don't want to interrupt or anything,

But are you doing anything Saturday night?

Just gellin' like Magellan.

Okay, well, my friend's DJing at this gallery opening.

He can get us in if you want to go.

Oh, no, I don't think so.

Come on. It'll be fun.

Jamie, how old do you think I am?

I don't know. 29?

Wow. You are good at guessing ages.

I am exactly 29.

But you're a baby.

No, I'm not. I'm 25.

Really? Yeah.

I thought you were younger.

And I'm 29, so...

So you'll go?

Awesome.

Dude, I totally forgot.

I bought you a sweater. It's slim-fitting.

They call it a French cut.

It wasn't on sale or anything.

Wow. Thanks.

Do you need help trying it on?

No.

So, I'll pick you up around 10:00?

At night? Okay, that sounds great.

Great. Where are we going?

Frank, stop it.

I can't. I'm gay for Jamie.

No, that's not a thing.

You can't be gay for just one person

Unless you're a lady and you meet Ellen.

Well, then, I got some real thinking to do.

It's scary.

But also exciting.

I can't believe I did that.

I told myself I would never lie about my age.

These things happen, Liz.

I had my "no sex with Asians" rule.

But then one day you walk into Sharper Image, and there's Quan.

Forget it. I'm gonna order more coffee

And then he'll come back and I can cancel.

No. This is a good thing.

A hot guy thinks you're 29.

He is cute.

He looks like Zac Efron.

That's a thing, right?

Oh, go for it, Liz.

I always roll with it when hot guys think I'm 22.

What can we do? We're cougars.

We're what?

Cougars.

Hot older ladies pouncing on their young prey.

Ugh.

There was a whole article about it in "Vanity Fair."

The one with the "Crisis in Africa" cover.

God, it makes me so sad

That more people don't know about cougars.

Why am I looking for something to wear in wardrobe?

Why don't you go to Abercrombie & Fitch?

No, it's too loud in there.

Don't say that. Cougars have to act young.

You should get a Ring Pop to suck on.

What are you doing?

Figuring some stuff out.

Sorry, Jenna. I'm probably gay now.

It's never gonna happen between us.

You wanted to see me?

Hello, Coach.

I thought we'd have a little meeting before today's practice.

Practice? Meetings? What is this, a marriage?

Phil Jackson likes to give books to his players to inspire them.

So, which biography of Winston Churchill

Do you think would improve Rashid's bunting?

Jack, have you ever been to Knuckle Beach?

It's a totally different world.

A world where orange soda

Is an acceptable substitute for breast milk!

Tracy, I don't have to understand their world

In order to help them.

It's like this great country of ours.

We can go into any nation,

Impose our values, and make things better.

It's what Bush is doing all over the globe.

Bush? Now, I don't want to go off on a rant here.

So, I suppose the next step

Would be to bring our superior resources to bear.

Kenneth, show him the drawing of the new field.

Oh, sorry. This is my dream journal.

They've all come true so far.

What the heck is going on out here?

You didn't get behind grounders.

You didn't work the pitch count.

There was nothing Churchillian about that performance.

And where are their uniforms?

You can't wear blue in Knuckle Beach,

Which is hard because jeans go with everything.

Tracy, your failure of leadership is unacceptable.

Now you're going to blame this on me?

I told you this was going to happen.

Exactly.

I need somebody who believes in what we're doing here.

Tracy, you're fired. Kenneth, you're in charge.

So, you like the music?

Yeah. Speaking of music I like, how about Gnarls Barkley, huh?

That guy's great.

Have you been to his official website?

Is it only 1:00 a. M?

Yeah.

So, after this, I figured we'd hit up Marquee.

They only serve drinks till 4:00,

But I can get us into this great club in Brooklyn.

I'm 37!

What?

I'm 37. Please don't make me go to Brooklyn.

I'm 20.

Oh, boy.

This just went from a senior dating a freshman

To Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau.

Are those friends of yours?

Oh, when will death come?

Lemon, what happened?

Did you take an Ambien with your Franzia and sleepwalk here?

No. I am out on a date.

I know you. You deliver my coffee.

You're here with Lemon?

Yes, sir. I'm Jamie, Mr. Donaghy.

What a polite young man.

They just changed bartenders.

I'm going to go see if this guy will serve me.

Where did you two meet? An Amber Alert?

I just found out that he's 17 years younger than me.

I knew I shouldn't have done this.

I look ridiculous.

Nonsense. You've never looked better.

Do I look ridiculous when you see me with a younger woman?

Boy, the art in here is hung really level.

A youthful companion is the ultimate status accessory.

Well, maybe you can pull that off.

You're a man. It's different for women.

That is so sexist of you.

To that clueless boy over there,

You're a very powerful woman.

Technically, you're a catch.

You've got money, status,

Naturally thick hair, a decent set.

All right.

Have you been on a date since Floyd?

No.

Why are you so against having fun in your life?

I'm not against fun.

I went up on my roof the other day.

Stop fighting this.

He's hot, poor, and eager to please.

Just buy him a few gifts, never give him your home phone number,

And if you set a curfew, stick to it.

Oh, gosh.

Hey, Coach. How did practice go today?

Sir, conditions have deteriorated.

I made Demarquis captain like you said.

But having a kid from Trinidad in charge

Made the Latinos real mad.

And they all seem to really hate my grandpa

'Cause they keep yelling, "Kill Whitey."

And I'm like, "What do you think you are, alcohol?"

There was bound to be some unrest once we removed Tracy.

They're testing our resolve.

Stay the course.

Kenneth!

Mr. Jordan, about what happened...

I don't want to talk about it, Ken.

You'll hear all I have to say about Jack Donaghy

In my tell-all book,

"Betrayal"... Colon...

"What Really Happened With My Baseball Team"... Comma...

"Disaster at Knuckle Beach"...

Question mark.

What the hell is going on?

It's chaos, sir.

They've turned on each other.

And they won't listen,

Especially when I say, "Don't hit me with my own shoes."

I think things may have been better under Mr. Jordan.

We're not going to look back now, Kenneth.

Tracy didn't understand what needed to be done. He had to go.

They're destroying all the things I bought for them.

Everything but the bats, sir.

Oh, God, they see us.

You kids put those bats down!

For the love of God.

Liz, did I see you Saturday at Marquee?

I was there, yes.

So, what were you doing there?

Is it like that time

They found my grandpa at the bus station?

No. I was there with Jamie, the coffee guy,

And we had a great time.

Wow. Coffee guy?

That'll really make your ex-husband jealous.

Cerie, for the last time, I have never been married.

That's the spirit!

Hey, Liz, this is Aidan.

Hi.

Guess you're not the only cougar in town.

Aidan's a freshman at NYU.

Aren't you, Aidan?

Sure.

Give me change for a soda?

You just had one.

Whatever.

No, don't you "whatever" me.

Hey! What did I say about you wearing your Heelys inside?

Aidan! Wait up.

Aidan!

There she is! The cradle robber.

Yeah, that's right.

I have a boy toy, and we look awesome together.

That's great, Maude. How's Harold?

His name is Jamie, and you know what?

I don't spend a lot of time worrying about his feelings.

I just know he's supercute, and he laughs at all my jokes.

Coffee's here.

Hey, there.

Hey.

I had fun the other night. Your roof is awesome.

Oh, thanks. I go up there all the time.

So, you want to get some lunch?

Oh, I can't. I have a lot of work to do.

Oh, okay.

'Cause I already got Randy to cover my shift.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But I bought you a video game.

"BioShock"! No way!

Hey, chatterbox. Wow. I thought I heard your voice.

How was your weekend?

It was great. Liz and I...

I made you a painting. It's called

"One-Armed Mermaid That's Part Unicorn With Bigfoot."

Wow. Thank you.

Are we still on for tomorrow night?

No, he can't. We're working out. Yeah, I can't wait.

I'll see you tomorrow night.

Yeah, I'll take it. Thank you.

Liz, be good to him.

What do you want, Jack?

Tracy, I want to talk to you.

It's hard for me to admit when I've made a mistake.

So I won't.

Mr. Jordan, I have made a terrible mistake.

Because of my arrogance, the team is now in chaos.

Pedro and Fontanelle quit

Because I tried to put them in the outfield.

Of course they did!

They're afraid to go north of 245th Street.

Next, you'll be telling me

You let ReShon have contact with his birth mother.

Which ReShon?

Jack, I told you, you did not know what you were getting into.

Tracy, I only wanted to help.

But now things are out of control.

We have two options.

One, we can cut and run

And betray the people that we made this commitment to.

Or you and I can form a coalition.

No way, J. D.

Tracy, I thought you cared about these kids.

Just because I don't support Jack Donaghy

Doesn't mean I don't support the kids.

But, sir, every one of them wrote you a letter

Asking you to come back.

Wow.

Jack, if I come back to the team,

Can I throw these things away and not have to read them?

Tracy, I'll pay somebody to read them for you.

With your know-how and my resources,

We can turn these kids into winners.

All right, Jack. What's the plan?

One word.

Surge.

That's two words!

Jamie!

Look, Jamie,

I can't take this Sam-and-Diane thing anymore.

I need to know what we're doing here.

Nothing, Frank. I'm not gay.

I'm not gay, either. That's why it's perfect.

We're just two straight guys

Who want to enjoy each other's bodies.

I got to go.

I can't believe we're winning.

I knew the surge would work.

Way to go, Manuel!

That one goes out to W. S. Churchill.

Hey, there's no way that those batters were born after 1993.

These Dominican birth certificates say otherwise.

Esteban! You're up.

This is just embarrassing.

Hey.

Hi.

You look nice.

Thank you.

I got you that leather bracelet that you were looking at.

Oh, that's so ill. Thank you.

It is ill.

All right, we should get going 'cause we're going to be late.

No, we won't, baby. We're taking a cab.

Really?

I've never been in a cab with less than seven people.

Well, stick with me.

I will.

Look at us.

We look awesome together.

Yeah. Now I know why Demi Moore does this.

I get that reference.

All right, Mom. I'm taking off!

Mom?

Yeah, I'm 20. I can't afford this place.

All right, honey. Have a good time.

Oh, hi. I'm Beth.

Yep, that's what we look like.

Shut it down.

Oh, hey, Jamie.

Hey.

Oof. That is so awkward now.

Don't worry about it. You had your fun.

But the end was humiliating.

All May-December relationships end in humiliation.

Sexual incompatibility, social faux pas, meeting their parents.

It's classic.

I'm not sure it's worth it.

Don't be silly. Jamie was good for you.

A younger companion makes you feel more alive.

Opens you up to new experiences,

Fresh points of view, stimulating conversation.

Stop repeating what I say.

Stop repeating what I say.

This is over.

This is over.

Of course, there are exceptions. Thank God I'm off the market.

Oh. Are you seeing someone?

What? No. I mean this company is my girlfriend.

She gives me all the loving I'll ever want or need.

That's gross, Jack.

Stop hitting yourself, Jenna.

Why are you like this?

Guys, this isn't working.

I'm not gay-gay. I'm just gay for Jamie.

Frank, I don't think that's a thing.

It is.

Look, you dudes are great, a lot of fun to dance with,

And you smell awesome.

Enjoy your night.

Bye, sexy bear!

Terence, you make us all look so bad.

My muffin top is all that?

Whole grain, low fat?

I know you want a piece of that?

But I just want to dance?

Checking out my sweet hips?

My sugar-coated berry lips?

I know you want to get with this?

But I'm just here to dance?

So back up off of me?

You're weirding me out?

I'm an independent lady?

So do not try to play me?

I run a tidy bakery?

The boys all want my cake for free?

But if you can't shake your fakery?

Then kiss my muffin top?