Rosemary's Baby

Attention, all. Attention, all.

It is with great pleasure I would like to announce

That the recipient of this year's...

Ge fellowship award is none other

Than our very own...

Liz lemon.

[Faint applause]

Wait, how could liz win a fellowship award?

She doesn't like people.

No, fellowship.

Presented annually

To the woman--sorry, person,

Who best exemplifies a follower.

I'm not a follower.

It also comes with ten grand.

I accept this proudly on behalf

Of followers everywhere.

When I think of the free spirited

Liz lemon I met just one year ago.

So resistant to product integration,

Cross-promotion, and adverlingus.

It pleases me to see how well she's learned

To follow.

Uh, is this because of that ge sketch?

He has a microwave for a head!

But it's such an excellent ge microwave.

You said I didn't have a choice.

So what are you gonna do with your money,

Put it into a 401k?

Yeah, I gotta get one of those.

What?

Where do you invest your money, liz?

I have, like, 12 grand in checking.

Are you an immigrant?

Ms. Moroney!

I can't believe how fast you lost the weight.

If I can't be monique fat,

I have to be teri hatcher thin.

Either way, you're laughin'.

Oh. Oh, no!

My uniform!

Oh, sorry.

Let me get that off.

Turn around.

It just needs a little bit of water.

Ah!

Aaah!

Oh, god, it hurts!

[Exciting jazz music]

♪

You're honestly telling me you don't know

Who rosemary howard is.

Is she one of the ladies who tried to shoot gerald ford?

No!

She's the first female writer for laugh-in.

She wrote all the political stuff

For donnie and marie.

I grew up idolizing her comedy.

Pardon me. Pardon me.

Pardon me!

Pardon you?

You were already pardoned!

It's funny 'cause it's true.

Hi, I don't wanna sound like a weirdo fan,

But I am obsessed with everything

You have ever done.

And I used to make my friends

Act out your skits the next day.

When I mean my friends,

I mean my fisher-price...

My friend dolls.

Because I didn't have a lot of friends.

Oh, boy. Am I still talking?

You're gonna kill me, aren't you?

Not, that's... That's great.

Oh, you are great!

I grew up wanting to be you.

I grew up wanting to be samantha stevens on bewitched.

Closest I got

Was being married to a gay guy for two years.

Oh, thank you.

Um, you are my heroine.

And by heroine, I mean lady hero.

I don't wanna inject you and listen to jazz.

Good lord.

Are you hungry?

Always.

Well, I'm gonna let you take me to lunch later

And get all this out of your system.

That would be great.

I would love that.

But you're supposed to take me hat shopping.

Hey jack!

Could you hold on a second?

If you desecrate something, is that bad?

Tracy, what happened now?

I doubt if anybody noticed.

♪ Who brought stars and bright stars ♪

♪ To the party last night

♪ For the rascals we fought ♪

Who would have ever known there was so many words?

It was like a mos def cd.

Tracy, it's all right.

You're a star, you can do whatever you want to.

That's your job.

It's our job to make it go away.

I love this country.

You go forth and be crazy.

I think I can manage that.

You do anything you wanna do.

Except no dog fighting, okay?

That seems to be the one thing

That's off limits these days.

[Laughing]

What's on your mind, tray?

You've been curiously quiet for 20 minutes.

We gotta start doing dog fights.

Dog fighting?

[Tracy] I know it's repulsive and hideous.

But it's the only thing jack donaghy

Told me I cannot do.

So I gotta do it!

Understand?

No no no no no no no!

Dog fighting is the most disgusting

Vile thing a human being can do.

You cannot do it!

Dog fighting it is. Make it happen.

Man, this is phil spector's entourage

All over again.

And his foot lingered.

Ah, that is such an upsetting story.

I'll never watch happy days the same way again.

But you know, I miss live tv.

It's like sex, you know?

It's almost better

When everything goes horribly wrong.

[Weak laughter]

Well, you know, we do hire guest writers

Every now and then.

I mean, I don't know if that's...

Something you would ever be interested in.

That'd be great.

God, I haven't been in that building

In so long.

Does everyone still do blow

In joe garagiola's office?

Which one is blow again? Is that cocaine?

Hello? Where's the head page?

You may enter.

You're a machine.

No, I wish.

This is a prop from the classic nbc series

Supercomputer.

1975 to 1975.

Look, you obviously know who I am.

But what you don't know is that I accidentally

Damaged kenneth parcell's page jacket and...

Shh shh.

Really?

Mr. Perfect, mr. Jesus loves me parcell

Finally messed up?

Do you know how long I've been waiting

To transfer that thumbhead to cnbc

In paramus, new jersey?

But you can't transfer someone without a demerit.

But now... Oh, boy.

Here's what we're gonna do.

You've probably never seen breasts before.

So I'm gonna lean over this desk

And you're gonna give me a new page jacket.

Please, I breast fed 'til I was 11.

So I've forgotten more about a woman's chest

Than you'll ever know.

But... I'm on tv.

I said, "good day."

No, you didn't.

Well, I meant to.

Kenneth parcell is finished.

[Laughing] finished!

[Laughing]

All right, what's in the news this week, everybody?

Any ideas?

I have an idea.

We open on a new orleans abortion clinic.

A beautiful mulatto...

Uh, I don't think we're allowed to use any of those words.

Why not? It's live television.

I mean, we used to say

[Bleep] and [bleep].

[Liz] no, you didn't.

Did you? We did.

We pushed the envelope.

Remember...

The mailbox sketch that shocked america?

There's nothing wrong here.

Don't you get it?

The mailbox

Was haldeman.

Is that a person who lived?

What about race?

I mean, I say

That is the last taboo.

We get josh in blackface, right?

And then we get tracy TO CALL HIM A [bleep]!

[Laughing]

I'd watch that.

No no, you can't do race stuff on tv.

It's too sensitive.

We would have done that on the mandrell sisters!

Look, I want the show to be edgy too.

I mean, but my boss, jack donaghy...

Let me talk to him. I am great with suits.

No, we don't talk to him.

Liz, you're not a cog in their machine.

I know. I'm not some... Follower.

I have to...

We are very subversive on this show.

Frank, what do you have this week?

Uh, barry the humping dog

Is shopping for a ge washer and dryer.

Have not seen that before.

Sharp idea.

Yo, I got the dogs outside.

Well, bring them in!

I feel sick to my stomach about dog fighting.

But what can you do when they tell you not to?

This could get ugly.

WHAT? [Dogs yapping]

No! You idiots!

I built a dog fighting pit

In my basement for this?

Tracy.

Can I speak with you

Privately?

Tray, what's the one thing I asked you not to do?

That 227 movie new jackee city?

Dog fighting!

What is it about your wiring

That compels you to do exactly what

You're asked not to?

I don't know. Always been this way.

Tracy, don't play with matches!

You're not my dad!

Tracy, don't stare directly at the sun.

It'll make you crazy.

You're not my dad.

Tracy, you're not going out the house

Dressed like that.

You're not my dad.

I'm beginning to think this has something to do

With your dad.

You're not my dad!

You can't tell me what it's about.

Hey, props gave me a bunch of dog penises

For you to look at.

Oh, great, thanks.

Liz!

Your grandmother is in jack's office.

You better do something.

Nana lemon? That's weird.

Oh. Oh, no. Rosemary.

[Nervous sounds]

[Laughing]

Lemon, rosemary here was just telling me

Some of her fantastic sketch ideas.

Liz, he totally gets it.

He understands

That what we do is far more important

Than what they do.

I do. I really do get it.

Rosemary, thank you so very much.

Oh, no, my pleasure.

What a pleasure.

What fun catching up with you.

You too. You take care now.

You too.

Fire her.

And don't ever make me talk to a woman that old again.

I can't fire rosemary.

Yes, you can. It's easy.

Observe.

Jonathan, you're fired!

What? No! [Crying]

God, no!

No, I won't fire her. It's mean.

And I like her.

And she's right, we should be pushing the envelope.

Oh, god. Push the envelope.

You know who uses that phrase?

People who don't have the guts or the brains

To work inside the system.

Letter writers, radicals, howard dean.

You just don't get her.

You're like the talking mailbox.

I'm gonna assume that's a haldeman reference.

In which case, I thank you.

I got into this business to be like rosemary.

To make people think.

No. No no no, lemon.

You got into this business because you're funny

And you're weird and you're socially retarded.

And you also got into it because it pays well,

Which means you are not like rosemary;

You are like me.

No, I'm not. You are a suit.

You feed off the creativity

And hard work of other people and turn it into

Commercials and pie charts and triangle graphs.

What's a triangle graph?

I don't know! It sounded real.

This is my show.

No, this is my show.

And once a week I rent it out to the good people

At the erectile dysfunction companies.

Be that as it may,

Rosemary is my idol.

And if you wanna get rid of her,

Then you will fire me also.

[Jonathan crying]

[Liz] SUCK IT UP, NERD.

Oh, my god!

Rosemary, that was such a rush

Standing up to jack like that.

And I never would have done it if it weren't for you.

I am so proud of you!

He heard you roar and now things are gonna change

Around here.

Jack says you're both fired.

Yes!

Hey tray, whatcha doing?

Just some heavy thinking.

This spotlight is the only place that I could go

To get away from it all.

You know, tray, I get this dad thing.

I mean my father belongs in the smiling

Irish bastard hall of fame.

And the pent-up, unresolved anger

I have toward him, it still overwhelms me.

You've got to learn to forgive.

But how do I forgive someone that I don't know?

Boy, if I could just talk to him once.

Just once.

Tracy, we're gonna do this together.

You've got to get into therapy.

I don't need therapy. I'm just mentally ill.

Tracy, what if I told you that the one thing

You cannot do is therapy?

You're not my dad! We're doing therapy!

All right, thank you. Good-bye.

Kenneth, I may have made a mistake.

I was talking to donnie... Donnie?

Head page donnie lawson, the king of sting?

What did you do?

I was just trying to make things right.

Nice jacket, parcell.

I hope that it

And you will be very...

Unhappy at cnbc for the next year.

Of course, there is one other choice.

A page-off.

[Urgent whispering]

A page-off? What's that?

It's a savage contest.

Mixing physical stamina

With nbc trivia.

What's a page-off?

Your monkey's pretty stupid.

You wanna page-off? You got it, freak.

Winner take all.

I don't know what kind of corporate mind games

He's playing.

But if jack thinks I'm crawling back there...

Oh, screw him.

Now that you're free,

We can work on something together!

Yeah, we can start our own network called bitch tv!

Or the second idea that we think of.

Look, when we get back to my place,

We start banging out some ideas.

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.

What neighborhood is this?

Oh, they call it little chechnya.

So gritty and real.

More murders per capita than detroit.

Try not to write when you're living here.

Is that guy carrying a gun?

Yeah, but don't worry. He's not a cop.

Hey, tracy, this is susanne hawker,

The nbc therapist.

Who's crazier, me or anne curry?

Hello, tracy.

Jack informed me of the talk you had earlier.

And if you don't mind, I'd like to hop right in

And start with some role play.

Like my wife and I do?

Cool.

You be the maid. I want you to scream.

Donaghy, you play the matador.

Uh, no, tracy.

What I want you to do is talk

To that empty chair

As if your father were sitting there, okay?

Man, this is stupid!

Come on, tracy. We're here to help you.

Uh, tracy, maybe it will help

If jack sits in the chair and pretends

To be your father.

I wanna talk to you, son.

You sound nothing like my dad.

Well, where is he from?

All I know is he's from funky north philly.

He worked in a campbell's soup factory.

And he had a droopy lip

Due to an unattended root canal.

I think I can do this.

Okay, go.

I'm mad at you, dad.

[Like Redd Foxx] hey, dummy!

I'm mad at you too.

Why you gotta act out that way?

Uh, that's not exactly what I had in...

'Cause you left me, dad!

I was young and confused and your moms

Didn't want me around no more.

Now, pass me them damn collard greens!

Is this true, mom?

He gambled away my welfare check.

Woman, I got a mind

To smack you upside the head.

Uh, this is not helpful.

Be me now.

I only act out because I want your love!

Dyn-o-mite!

I think we're just doing good times now.

Now do the white dude that my moms left my dad for.

Uh, now, see here, tracy.

It's impolite

To slurp one's soup.

Whoa, no need to resort to ugly stereotypes.

You always gonna be my son.

Tracy, just because I stopped loving your dad,

Doesn't mean we stopped loving you.

Stop puttin' words in my mouth, woman!

Oye, papi, kayate! People are sleeping!

Mind your own damn business, mrs. Rodriguez!

All right, this is ridiculous.

Lady, just because I'm an ignorant black man.

And you paid me a nickel

To bust up your chifforobe,

Doesn't give you the right to call me ridiculous

Just 'cause I'm proud of my son.

[Making gunshot sounds]

They got me.

The honkeys shot me.

No, dad! Don't die!

I love you, dad!

I don't wanna dog fight no more!

Tracy, that's it! That's it!

Thank you for showing me there really is love

In my family after all.

And I need to stay the hell away from them.

Donaghy, you're the only family I need, jackie d.

You got that right, tray.

You know, it's too bad you didn't know

Howard cosell when you were growing up.

'Cause I had that one in my pocket the whole time.

There we are.

Oh, crapballs! What was that?

Okay, let's find a pen

And start that screenplay.

This movie is gonna knock them on their asses.

Right. What's it about?

WOMEN IN THEIR 50s go on spring break

And get laid by a bunch of grateful 18 year olds.

Oh, god. Yeah, exactly.

I predict opening weekend, a million dollars.

Have you been drinking wine all day?

Oh, it's heart healthy.

All day?

Oh, come on, liz. IT'S THE 90s!

Did an f train just go by your window?

I know that look.

Don't even think about jumping for that train.

You know, I think I should go home

Before it gets dark.

You can't abandon me, liz.

You are me.

No, I'm not you. Really?

You pick up guys that are smart and funny.

And they leave you for someone less complicated.

You're never gonna get married, liz.

You're married to your job.

Oh, my god. I lost my job.

You're just like me.

You get up in the morning and smoke weed...

No, I don't.

You obsess about the jamaican man

Across the hall.

Oh, my god. I lost my job.

You wouldn't have a job

If it wasn't for me.

I broke barriers for you.

I really have to go.

I sat around while my junk went bad.

All for you.

I didn't have any kids.

You're my kid!

You're my kid that never calls!

[Liz] yikes.

Help me, liz lemon!

You're my only hope!

Okay, which nbc series spun off,

Among others, cosby, miami vice, cheers,

And highway to heaven?

Supercomputer!

Oh, you're gonna do great!

Ready!

[NBC theme]

Page-off, page-off,

Page-off, page-off.

Come on, kenneth!

You can do it!

[Chanting "PAGE-OFF"]

Hey!

What the hell is going on down here?

The phones are ringing off the hook,

There's no one seating the conan audience!

Get back to work, you morons!

Pete, wait. You don't understand.

I ruined kenneth's jacket and he needs to get a new one,

But can't have any demerits,

So we have to have a page-off.

[Pete] what, are you kidding me?

This is a billion dollar company!

Demerits?

Donnie, give kenneth a damn jacket!

This isn't over between us, moroney.

You're in it now.

It's finally over, ms. Moroney.

Yes.

And it's hard to even remember

How it all began.

[Whispering] you burnt my jacket.

All right, I need my job back.

But this is not crawling,

This is proud begging, like those kids

That dance on the subway.

Of course you can have your job back, lemon.

Oh, thank god. It was terrible.

I went to her apartment.

I don't think she has a toilet.

I saw my future, jack.

Never go with a hippie to a second location.

I can't end up like that.

I have got to make money and save it.

And I have to do that thing

That rich people do where they turn money

Into more money.

Can you teach me how to do that?

With my eyes closed.

Oh, good, because I want to send rosemary

$400 a month for... Forever.

You should, that woman is unemployable.

Rosemary says that women become obsolete

In this business when there's no one left

That wants to see them naked.

You make enough money, you can pay people

To look at you naked.

To the future, lemon.

Oh, and by the way,

Ge has a problem with the dog penis sketch.

I'll change it.

Hey, what about cat penises?