Hiatus

[Tina Fey] Previously, on 30 Rock...

[Whining like a dog]

[Tina] Oh, my, not that--this.

Sorry, I don't shake hands.

I have avian bone syndrome.

Hollow bones.

Tracy Jordan, the Black Crusaders

Are coming for you.

The top law firm in Cleveland wants me.

God's sakes, Tracy, where are you?

Starting a new life.

Because of the Black Crusaders? That's crazy.

Will you marry me? No.

I took that job.

Blurgh.

Cough.

[Coughs]

And cough.

[Coughs]

And cough.

[Coughs]

Okay, now let's start the examination.

Are you getting enough sleep?

No. You drinking water?

No.

Are you exercising at all? No.

And you're still working those long hours?

Yes.

I feel great.

My wedding's in a couple of days.

Your 18th, right? Same as Bianca's.

I guess our friends will just have to choose between us.

My mother's coming up from Florida

To attend Bianca's wedding, so it's perfect.

Do you...

Have any questions about the wedding night?

You know, you're actually

In better shape than last year.

You lost a couple pounds, your lab work is good,

And your blood pressure is...

310 over 280! We have a winner.

How's the stress eating?

Under control.

Still not eating right, huh?

No, but I am eating a lot.

You sound stressed.

[Crying] My boyfriend is moving to Cleveland.

But I'm gonna go visit him over vacation. Okay, well...

And my boss is super-mad at me

Because I know that he fell asleep on top of his fiancée.

Have I given you my new book?

It's about having a satisfying love life.

For life.

Is that you in these pictures?

My techniques guarantee male orgasm.

And it's the season finale of my show this week,

And the star is missing, and my have been abducted

By a cabal of powerful black celebrities!

That sounds stressful.

[Traffic noise]

Has anybody heard from Tracy at all?

Grizz, Dotcom, anything?

Well, I guess if he's not back by tomorrow morning,

We'll give some of his parts to Josh and...

Cut the rest.

Can I play Barack Obama?

No, it's bad enough

We have Tracy playing Barack Obama.

I'm trying to get a head count for the end-of-the-year party.

Should I include Tracy and his guests,

Or do you think he's dead?

He's not dead, he's just...

Lemon, could I speak with you a moment?

I know you and I are not on good terms.

But we do need to work together to bring Tracy back here.

Do you think I'm trying to not find Tracy?

Well, Lemon, I cannot endure another failure.

Jack, trust me.

Nobody wants to do the show without Tracy.

We used to do it every week without him.

I'm just saying.

Ugh! I hope he's okay.

I hope he's taking his medication.

And I hope he took a jacket,

'Cause it can get real chilly there.

I'm sorry, but I swore

I wouldn't tell anyone where Tracy is.

Kenneth, my ex-girlfriend

Is a member of the Black Crusaders.

I can make all this go away.

My lips are sealed.

Key in pocket.

You are pissing off the wrong guy, Parcell. You turd-faced goon.

I will cut you open like a tauntaun... You tell me where he is....

[Both] you mouth-breathing Appalachian!

Fine.

I will tell you.

Right now.

That you are never gonna find him.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪

Mr. Jordan![Honk]

Mr. Jordan!

Uh, I think you have me confused with someone else.

My name is Gordon Tremeshko.

Oh.

[Whispering] I'm Jesse Parcell.

Kenny's cousin.

Kenny should have given you the code word.

[Loudly] What?

That's it!

Such a thrill

To meet you.

Hey, thanks for taking me in, Jesse.

I won't be a burden.

Now make me a smoothie and let's go clubbing.

Oh... We don't have dancin' or liquor here.

But cousin Kenneth

Sent me all your movies.

At night, I laugh so hard,

It really riles up the wolves, yeah!

Oh, I loved Honky Grandma Be Trippin'!

This--

Check it, check it.

[Falsetto] Now, you boys sit down,

So this honky grandma gonna show you how to break dance!

Then he went--ooh!

Check it two times.

It was so funny,

I nearly wet my other pair of underpants!

Did you call Tracy's wife on the phone?

Yeah, as far as she knew,

He's been shooting a vampire movie in Bucharest

Since February.

Lemon, I'm getting married in a couple of days,

And I don't need any more stress in my life right now.

Jackie-kins!

Colleen! I mean, Mom!

Ohh! Never mind!

Well, well, well, well, well.

Ha ha, this must be the one.

Huh?

Phoebe. Welcome!

No, no, no. No, I--

Welcome, welcome, welcome!

Mother, mother... This is not Phoebe.

No, no. This is not Phoebe?

Well, why the hell not?

I mean, she's perfect.

Character, she got strength of character.

And I'll tell you something else.

She's got a good, solid, baby bucket.

[Laughs]

You are a sassy old broad, aren't you?

Hello.

Uh, mother, this is Phoebe.

Phoebe, this is my mother.

Hello, Mother Doneghy. I'm Phoebe.

It's such a pleasure to meet you.

I love your little hat.

Oh, my God.

[Banjo music playing softly]

Hmm.

[Telephone rings]

I'll get it.

[Jesse] Hello?

Rooster, this is the farmer.

Is the egg safe?

The egg is in the nest.

Good.

But be careful.

The badger and the bear have been asking questions.

I don't know who you're talking about.

Listen, you don't have to worry about Tracy, okay?

He's with his biggest fan. [Clicks tongue]

Hillbilly.

Hayseed. Was that Kenneth?

What's going on in New York?

Did he go to Russell Simmons' birthday party?

Were there girls there with butts?

Mr. Jordan, you need to forget about New York.

You're not a movie star anymore.

Your name's

Gordon Tremeshko.

You live in Needmore, Pennsylvania,

Where we don't go out at night.

'Cause of the wolves.

Right.

[Traffic noise]

I nearly almost got through the whole season

Without him going completely bonkers.

But now, you know, he's just gone.

And if he doesn't get back in time,

I'm gonna have to rewrite the whole show.

Hey, I'm sorry,

But can we talk about something besides work?

Um, okay.

What's the weather like there?

Um...

It's actually in the mid-40s.

Oh, really, 'cause it's-- it's low '40s here.

Really?

Yeah. Wow.

[Laughs]

So what are you doing?

I'm, uh...

I'm waiting for the bus.

So, uh...

I should probably just focus--

Focus on that, you know.

Oh, okay. Um, call me later?

No, I haven't found him yet.

I have to go to dinner tonight with my mother

And Phoebe.

And my mother has requested that you join us.

She... Likes you.

Uhh! No way.

She's not asking.

She's telling.

Please.

And try to get her to like Phoebe.

Just a little, okay?

[Whispering] You owe me.

Okay, fine. But I want a lobster.

Okay.

I want two lobsters!

Totaling five pounds of lobster meat.

And then after that,

We can clean the dead birds out of the chimney.

That's why we bought these metal rods.

Don't you just love spring?

Baltimore was amazing.

You know Wacky Willy,

That DJ from 102.7?

We totally did it in the prize van.

I'll pretty much do anything to someone that's famous.

What's up?

What are you looking at?

I'll tell you what you're looking at.

I'm...

Gordon Tremeshko.

I always thought it would be lovely

To get married in the spring.

Just as the petunias start to bloom.

Sorry, Phoebe, what?

[Loudly] I always wanted to marry in the spring.

Just as the petunias bloom.

Just when the what?

Oh, dear. Is she hard of hearing?

No, no, no, no!

I can hear you.

I just wanted to make sure you could hear you.

Right.

I'm off to the loo.

Loo! What a good idea.

All right.

Scout's honor.

What do you think of her?

She's very well-read.

And she's very stylish, don't you think? Mm.

And, you know, the most important thing

Is she makes Jack very happy.

She's like a... White geisha.

A white geisha?

Say no more, shark eyes.

Jack...

I want you to face facts.

All right?

She is not the right girl for you.

You got it wrong with "Bianka."

You remember?

And now you're getting it wrong with what's-her-name.

Well, you oughta know, Colleen.

The only marriage in the history of St. Helen's Catholic Church

Where the priest recommended the divorce!

And it's not "Bi-anka," like Sanka.

It's "Bi-ahnca," like Willy Won--Wonka.

[Groans]

[Coughing]

Are you all right?

[Coughing]

Could we order dessert?

[Inhales sharply]

[Ring]

Studio 6-H.

Kenneth! You have to come get me!

Really?

[Whispering] But what about the Black Crusaders?

I don't care what they do to me anymore.

I'd rather die famous

Than to live for 100 years like this.

Licking pinecones, carrying plastic bags.

Brushing my own teeth. This is unsuitable!

[Kenny] Mr. Jordan, if you're serious,

Then we've got less than 24 hours.

[Ominous music] The show needs you.

What are ya doin'?

Hey, dude! Jesse!

Hey, listen, I gotta get out of here because...

You're not goin' anywhere.

And that phone is for local calls only!

Aah!

[Rapid busy signal]

Hello?

Did you have a chance to look at those silk samples

I brought you?

No.

Jack, you desperately need new pajamas.

[Kiss]

They do such beautiful things.

It's like wearing your own skin to bed.

That sounds wonderful.

Have you ever thought about a fair finish for that ceiling?

Shh.

Careful, my bones!

[Ominous music]

You all right?

Well, with your condition,

Ordinarily, wouldn't you just be on top?

I can't.

I have vertigo.

[Door slams]

[Colleen] It's a bloody shame

Nobody waits for their wedding night anymore!

Go to bed, Mother!

You promised you'd go over my taxes!

[Grunting] Oh, God's sake.

Here it comes. The big one.

Ride it, Donaghy.

Ride it straight to hell!

[Thud]

Bollocks.

[Floyd] So you're still at work, huh?

Yeah, of course.

Tracy's gone. I'm still at work.

It's a nightmare.

Ugh! Is that how far apart my eyes are?

I look like Admiral Akbar.

[Floyd laughs]

Relax.

It's one of the reasons I like you.

So listen, I was going to fly out there on Saturday.

But I've got a bunch of stuff to take care of.

So now I'm gonna fly out there.

[Laughs]

I'm gonna come out there next Wednesday.

Oh, wh-what's this thing doing now?

What? Uh-oh.

[Sound breaking up] Yeah, Liz--working.

Breaking up.

Did you say we're breaking up?

Yeah.

[Phone beeping] What?

I'm talking about the connection.

Who is this? It's 3:00 in the morning.

Hello? Liz... Wait.

What? Oh, my God.

Are you breaking up with me?

What hospital? Wait, whoa, Liz...

No, no, no.

There has to be some sort of misunderstanding.

I'm his fiancée.

I'm sorry, you're not family,

And you're not his emergency contact.

Oh!

Now, his mother can go in if she wants to.

Oh, no! I'm not going in there.

I go in there, I get bird flu,

I don't come out.

Hi, I'm Liz Lemon.

Somebody called me.

Oh, yes, Mr. Donaghy designated you

As his emergency contact.

What?

Ladies!

[All gasp]

What? This?

[Chuckles] No, no.

I was at a costume party earlier this evening.

And the hostess's dog attacked me,

So I had to stab it.

Oh!

Jack's going to be fine.

But he has had a pretty serious cardiac episode.

Also, I suspect he may have scurvy,

Because he keeps asking for lemon.

Uh, no... That's me.

Oh!

Tell him his mother's here!

And she loves him.

But not in a queer way.

[Heart monitor beeping]

[Donaghy] Lemon, is that you?

Yeah, it's me.

How are you feeling?

They gave me something.

My mouth tastes like purple.

Okay.

I saw it, Lemon.

My whole life passing right before my eyes.

Neil Patterson pitching me the rotating microwave tray.

Me personally coining the phrase, "What's the upside?"

Participating in Hands Across America.

And all the time I've been on this earth,

I have only one regret.

I should have worked more.

That's what you're taking away from this experience?

Work is the only thing I'm good at.

Lemon, you and I have that in common.

No, Jack, that's not true.

I've been rolling calls from here.

Trying to spin this Tracy thing.

No, Jack, forget about Tracy.

You have to relax.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You've got to get back to work

And come up with something with or without Tracy,

Or we are gonna be screwed.

Okay.

Maybe this is the drugs talking...

But I think I got Nixon...

To agree to come on the show

And say, "Sock it to me."

Great.

How's the Dow doing?

[Kenny] You'll like my cousin Jesse.

He's real sweet.

Ooh, they got a door!

That's new.

Hello there, cousin.

What brings you to Parcell Hollow?

Well, I'm here to pick up Tracy, of course.

Well, that's peculiar.

Why, he just left first thing this morning.

[Kenny] Oh.

Oh, I must have misunderstood him.

Must have.

Sorry you came all this way for nothin'.

I'd invite you in,

But I got a living room full of dead chimney birds.

[Laughs]

[Ominous music]

Agh!

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

We must rest, my chimney bird.

Tonight, we're reading my screenplay.

[Suspenseful music]

I just timed the show, and without Tracy,

We're still 20 minutes short.

Ugh! Liz, on the show,

I could do the thing where I walk like Robocop.

[Imitating metal clanking]

Zzz! Zzz! Your move, creep.

That's great, that's completely topical.

Ooh, hey, Cerie.

Would you like to dance in front of the band

On TV tonight?

For, like, ten minutes.

What band?

Our house band.

No, thanks. Uh, Floyd called.

Ugh.

How's that going?

Not great.

We had a web chat last night,

And I thought he said he wanted to break up with me.

Oh, that must have freaked you out.

Actually, I was kind of relieved.

Hey, guys.

I hear you're looking for someone

To dance in front of the band.

Uh... No. Uh... No.

Oh. Isn't this exciting?

Everyone pulling together.

I think the show's gonna be really good this week.

Oh, I hope Tray's okay.

[Scoffs]

[Cell phone playing Ride of the Valkyries]

Ohh, Floyd.

Tracy! Time for lunch.

I hope you like chicken neck--

Tracy has escaped.

Thanks, Kenny, for saving me!

I'll have you in New York

In time for your traditional pre-show rant!

I think it's gonna be about immigration!

Ahh.

[Sighs]

[Gunshot]

By the hammer of Thor!

[Tracy] Now go! Go, go, go!

I'm gonna find you!

I know what you look-- I remember what you look like!

You're so stupid!

I gotta reload! Damn, I wish I had a vehicle!

Jack, I'm filling out all-new paperwork

To make me your emergency contact.

Of course, Phoebe. You should.

[Beeps accelerating]

I mean, it's just so embarrassing.

[Door opens]

[Nurse] Mr. Donaghy.

You want dessert?

Good God, yes.

[Beeps slowing]

Uh, let me ask you a few questions, Jack.

You dye your hair?

No, Mother. Why would I do that?

[Beeps accelerating]

Okay. What's your middle name?

What? Just your middle name!

Francis.

[Beeps slowing]

Did you take $20 out of my pocketbook

In the summer of 1970?

No, I did not![Beeps accelerating]

Do you love me?

Of course I do!

[Beeps slowing]

I knew it.

Do you love me?

[Rapid beeping]

I see.

God!

[Steady beep]

They got pretzels downstairs!

Ohh!

[Horns honking]

We're so close, and yet so far.

Come on!

Hey, do you guys know

What's causing the traffic problem?

Yeah, the president's in town. There's a transit strike.

There's the Dominican Independence Day parade.

A guy in suspenders

Is doing chalk paintings down on Canal Street.

You know how long it's gonna take for me to get to Midtown?

Without sirens? Hours.

Hey, I need you to take me.

Let me explain ambulances to you, sir.

Uh, we don't go anywhere

Unless someone is badly hurt, okay?

But I'm gonna miss the show!

[Kenny] Mr. Jordan...

No, sir, you are not.

Ken, you are my boy!

[Siren]Oh, my God, what a terrible mistake accident!

Could you take Sixth Avenue, please?

If I die, will you take care of my birds?

I got a lot on my plate right now, Ken.

Ohh, Tweetie.

[Liz] Okay, I know this has been a really tough couple of days.

But everyone has pulled together,

And I am so proud and so pumped.

Because I honestly think that this might be

The best show we have ever done.

[Tracy] I'm back!

Oh, thank God. We were so screwed!

Tracy, you're alive.

[Liz] Okay, Robocop out!

Cowboy Hey Hey back in!

Liz Lemon, I would like to recommend Kenneth the page

For NBC Medal of Excellence.

Okay, that doesn't exist.

But you can write a letter for his file.

I got a lot on my plate!

Fine, but...

Les, don't just stand there.

Go... Eat something!

Wait... I don't know what this is.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Just read the cards and act super-gay!

Okay.

Take this, Black Crusaders!

It's Cowboy Hey Hey!

[Ominous music]

This is 21.

I'm on it.

[Cheers and applause]

[Sighs]

[Laughter on TV]

Good night! That's our show!

Have a great summer, everybody!

Mwah!

[Applause]

So I'm your emergency contact, huh?

You're the only person I know

Who wouldn't hesitate to pull the plug.

[Clears throat]

So when you going to Cleveland?

I'm not going.

Are you getting married in two days?

Oh, Phoebe is a lovely girl.

[Heart monitor beeping rapidly]

But... No.

[Beeping slows]

I'm not getting married.

So what'd you think of the show?

Honestly?

I no longer think you're doing a terrible job.

And, uh, I'm very proud of you.

Thanks, Jack.

I'm gonna pull the plug now.

Whoa, whoa.

[Liz] Just let me do it!